I can always remember Queen Lizzy using that phrase. This year has been my annus horribilis – my horrible year.
Ive been caught up in, for lack of a better phrase, a career crisis. Looking back, it had been coming for a while, but I ignored it.
Im a teacher. I teach primary school. I have for about 9 years. Ive made some lovely connections – with kids and parents, and a few other teachers. But it was never my passion. Ive never had a passion to follow and create a career around. I think that is the root of the problem. Anyway, at the end of last year I had issues at work. Things happened. I was unhappy. I ran away to London over Christmas, hoping to get over the unhappiness and just get on with my job in the new year. Thats what we do, right?!
My body and mind refused to. I started the new year, my new grade of 3/4s. I saw about a week before I was crying at the drop of a hat, breaking out in rashes, my insomnia worsened, allergies worsened. I saw a doctor, received a week off work as sick leave, then followed up with the rest of the term off with sick leave. I used that time to recuperate. To heal physically and mentally. To try and fix myself and sort out what to do.
With a mortgage and other financial responsibilities and a certain living standard that Ive become accustomed to, it was a damn hard decision process. So many what ifs. Im not sure of anything. I still have daily doubts. Im still not happy. Im still not even content. Its a struggle but Ive accepted it will be a long process.
Anyway, Im trying something new. I think I am done with teaching. I have gone back to university, studying psychology. I don’t know if it is the right thing to do, but I guess I have to do something. If that doesn’t fit, I will try something else. I guess Im lucky I have my teaching degree as casual teaching pays ok and should be able to keep me financially afloat for at least the next 12 moths – probably more.
Bottom line is I am just not happy. Its not working anymore. I have never had to try to be okay, to be happy, I just have been. But now its not a matter of just keeping going, just getting on with it. The body has spoken. I cant control it any longer. Its a bit frustrating considering I am a control freak and am no longer in control. I see it as a weakness, which I hate.
This is my journey. To find my normal. My contentment. I don’t necessarily need happy. Just content.