Im writing this to distract myself.
I didn’t sleep well last night and have felt anxious and awkward and just generally blah since getting up. I went to the supermarket. Couldn’t settle. I then went to Fountain Gate to kill some time. Felt like I was being stared at so came home. Still couldn’t settle. So now Im just trying the usual housework, telly, vague house wandering, social media etc. to distract my overactive mind and keep the anxious and stressy thoughts and feelings at bay.
The key is keeping busy I guess. But sometimes not even that helps. I would love a switch for my mind. On. Off. Perfect.
The thoughts and feelings take many shapes and forms. Feelings of worthlessness, feeling I wouldn’t be missed, guilt – about everything, wondering if I will ever be content, successful. Financial thoughts and worries crop up. Then there is the comparing to others – their lives, their looks, their personalities. I could end up sad, angry, jealous, melancholy, or just plain flat – experiencing all of the above. Reliving the past might occur – what I could have changed, done differently. Thinking of those people who are no longer with me, missing them, regretting things, ruing things. I try not to think of the future – that never ends well. Its too unclear and I cannot find a path that settles me. As yet. Hopefully I can get some focus and clarity regarding that aspect soon.
I just hope for the day to pass quickly. So I can go to bed and start a new day tomorrow. Not a nice feeling wishing the day away, but luckily its not every day I feel like this.