A mash-up

I feel like writing, so I figure I shall summarise my life and thoughts at the moment. I have a dedicated blog post in mind regarding my Dad, but just not ready to attack it and relive it today.

So you’re stuck with rambling thoughts, boring every day business and anything else that comes to my mind.

I’m watching Fight Club at the moment. It’s a classic. I do so love Edward Norton. Ever since I saw him play the character with multiple personality disorder in that murder movie. Can’t recall the name right now – he was an alter boy when he killed a priest for sexually abusing him and others.

I’ve been thinking about ‘friends’ a bit lately. The real people not that idiotic TV show. Those who come into your life for a reason and those who come into it for a season etc. I am very bad with trusting and things that have happened with people I have recently met have not really helped that matter. I tend to keep people at arm’s length, which I know is not healthy. But I am aware of it. And I think that awareness allows me to work on my trust/acceptance issues. That’s another thing – acceptance. I tend to not accept people on face value I think they have an ulterior motive or something stupid like that and there is another reason that leads me to keeping people away.Β It’s almost like I expect people to prove themselves to me. But reflecting on that, it’s like I then refuse to accept that proof once its complete.

I have many flaws and weaknesses as you can see! Haha Some I can deal with, others I despise.

On the other hand, I have met some lovely people online lately, who make me feel really good about myself. It’s great to have banter with people, where you just feel accepted. And not judged. I do feel judged by some, but I guess the relationship I have with them is very superficial – not meaningful, not true. They don’t get all of me, whereas the people who have gone through shit or are just genuinely nice people, get more of me, the true me. Poor things! lol

I know I get far too emotionally involved. It’s the fucking bane of my existence. I need to stop that shit ASAP. I find that attempting to not care kind of works haha Put up that brick wall. Don’t let anyone in. Again, unhealthy. But people keep proving what arsehats they are, over and over and over again. I get sick of dealing with it. People who come across as sweet and nice and caring then wham! They show their true colours. And I end up overthinking, losing (more) sleep and generally feeling like hell.

I’ve gone and got myself a personal trainer! I needed help with a weights program. I’m pretty good with cardio but clueless with weights. And I don’t push myself when alone as hard as I do with her. I’ve only had two sessions – a fitness test and one upper body training session, but WOW! I told her I wanted to hurt the day after, and two days later I still hurt!! I like it. Love the burn!! I need to start taking better care of myself. I think I self-abuse at times, through purposely eating rubbish and not being healthy. But I am actually enjoying trying to eat better and taking time for myself to exercise. It clears my head and releases those magical endorphins!!

I’ve successfully avoided university this week! Haha I had an assignment due on sunday which is complete so I feel like I deserve a break! It was a slow week tutorial wise – only two out of four – so only two I need to catch up on at some stage. I have to do a group presentation next wednesday. Fuck I hate group presentations. There are five people in our group, with only regular contact from three of us :/ I have no idea why they force this hell on us!?

It’s Christmas. It’s busy. I’m over it already. No more shopping at shopping centres until well into January. Luckily I don’t have to buy any chrissy presents. Well, probably only one, at some stage, for my BFF. He is sooooo hard to buy for :/ He wants me to go shopping with him in the city tomorrow. I think I will politely decline. Can you imagine the mayhem?! I will start shooting. I’m sure of it. My close circle of friends are having a chrissy BBQ on Sunday. I should have a decent tipple. I need a crazy night. Problem is one will have to work the next day and the others all have kids. Which obviously means no more fun, ever! πŸ™‚ lol Meh.

Hmmmmm Im hungry. I will leave it there.

Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

2 thoughts on “A mash-up

  1. Fen

    I know what you mean about trusting others. Lately I’ve decided to try and not analyse things, just take from friendships what I need, give what I can and most of all, look after myself.

    You’re orrite lady, you just have to believe in yourself more. People like you for who you are, no ulterior motives.


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