I made a decision a few weeks back. I agreed to a work the term, teaching full time. 4 weeks in grade 6 and then 6 weeks in grade 4. I hadn’t worked for a few days and was a bit stressed about the finances and feeling guilty. They knew exactly when to ask me for maximum agreeableness. Grrrr

In hindsight, I wish I had thought a bit longer about this and chose not to agree to it.

Why can’t I make good and right decisions lately? Just one would suffice. Really.

Insert annoyed face here.

I’ve been transported, emotionally and mentally, back to before I quit my full time job. The fatigue, the annoyances at the institution, the general dislike and hate and anxiety. Yes, I hate full time teaching – give me back my casual work please!!

The kids are fine, usually, it’s the rest of the job that shits me to tears. Planning, dealing with parents, becoming involved in the school. All I want to do is walk in, do my job, walk out and be left alone. Bah!

I only have 7 more weeks to get through, then please, remind never to agree to blocks of work again. 7 weeks. I can do it. I think. I hope.

I was going to attempt to study my last (and hardest) uni subject РResearch Methods B Рwhile working, but I have decided to postpone it until next trimester, when I can give it my full attention. I think I need a result of 70% for this unit to continue on and do 4th year psychology, so I will really really really need to grasp the learning objectives and understand the concepts properly! Ugh! May die.

It’s nice not getting the guilt about not keeping up with study though haha Im enjoying reading books for pleasure, not texts for study. I just hope this little break will not make it extra difficult to go back to study.

And of course, life wouldn’t be complete without regular bouts of my ‘am I doing the right thing’ anxieties. Some days are bad – I actually wake up full of doubts and stress, bordering on panic. What if I hate this path as much as teaching? It has taken so much of me to get to here, I definitely do not want to find myself back to square one and have to start all over again. Not sure I could do that.

So this is my life. Working. Hating it. Coming home with a headache every day. Yes. Every fucking day. My mind and body is going to make me pay for this rash decision.

Hindsight, eh?!

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