Ruminations

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment so today will definitely not be about cohesion. I’ll just rattle off some things that are currently on my mind. In no particular order…

  1. I’m in bed. It’s 1.45pm. I have spent a lot of time in bed lately. I probably should be actively trying to stay out of bed now that I’ve noticed it’s a thing. But what is the point? I’ll just be doing the same thing, only sitting on a couch. I like being in my room, everything shut out, protected.
  2. I’m back at the gym! Pretty much daily exercise, and I can notice a difference to my mind and body. I’m proud for sticking with it. But, and this is the fucked bit, my mind keeps crashing. I’m like, ‘brain, I’m doing good things here, why won’t you play nice’?!
  3. I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole. Evidence to support this includes: no enjoyment from things I used to, my mind going dark and the moods swinging each day, the melancholy and the disengagement and disillusionment. I mean, I’ve always been negative but now I’m even annoying myself with my bleakness. I’m seeing my GP tomorrow, I guess to ‘make a plan’ to get through the next couple of months.
  4. The next couple of months are going to be hard – christmas and being alone, deaths, no work, no income are all combining to set off the biggest meltdown my head has seen haha
  5. I’m lonely. I hate fucking admitting it. And I can’t say it to anyone. I can barely admit it to myself.
  6. I’m constantly disappointed. I want what I can’t have.
  7. I’m unfulfilled. I think I actually miss intelligent conversation and stuff. I’ve pushed my friends away. I simply cannot deal with their talking about kids, husbands, holidays they are planning. I am broke, bored and jealous. I feel horrible resenting people, but how do I stop it? I need to get new friends I think.
  8. So, ya know, all this is building up in my brainbox and I’m trying to tamp it down and put a lock on it, but, ya know haha
  9. AND finally, I’m not even sure anything is worth this anxiety and feeling horrible. What is the point? I’m losing my grip on the point.

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