Category Archives: anxiety

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Loser

I am feeling like one. A big fat loser!

I do not want to adult today.

I do not want to interact with IRL friends, but rather internet friends. I feel they care more about me and support me than the IRL friends, to be perfectly blunt.

Funny, huh?

ps: Isnt the artwork above beautiful?? Its by Glenda Stevens.

Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

Sad

I’m just feeling sad today. This is not a usual emotion for me – it’s usually worry or anxiety.

But perhaps I am mistaking anxiety for sadness. Anyway, I shall ride it out and endure as per usual.

I hate when moods fluctuate for no good reason. The sun is out, I don’t have to work until later today, so why the flatness?

I think I may have a touch of hopelessness, too. Thinking about work and money etc. The usual culprits!

I don’t feel like delving any deeper. Just thought I’d kill 5 minutes whilst waiting for the new Walking Dead to start!

Anxiety

It’s one of those days. I have all the anxiety. And for no good reason.

I guess there are really two types of anxiety – those with good reason and those without. I very rarely have a reason to be anxious, but I guess my mind decides to wind itself up in knots and worry anyway.

I believe I always have anxiety, it is just at various strengths and debilitations.

I’m starting to get over it very, very quickly of late – so so so sick of worrying and having that heavy ball of stress in the pit of my stomach. I am going to investigate anti anxiety medications. I’ve been thinking about going back to my doctor and explaining all this, which I guess will be followed by another referral to a psych. I just want some relief, some downtime, time to not worry and think and overthink and rethink and then start all over again. I just want a quiet mind, a calm mind.

I saw a psych a couple of years ago for my “career crisis”, but I don’t think she really helped me. It was only 6 or 8 sessions, so Im hesitant to say it’s all bollocks. I’d probably need to try another psych to form any sort of opinion. Ad follow through with therapy. And then again, its all money! Hello financial anxiety!

I’ve been to the gym this morning. That used to work to calm me. It still does sometimes, but not as often as I’d like. I’m thinking about shopping the anxiety away but that means I will spend money I don’t have and have to lock the cat inside, which I feel guilty about as he loves being outside and I have to lock him in so often when I’m out for work! Ugh, see how I can anxiety-up anything? Haha You name it, I can figure out a way to stress about it!

The root of it all? I guess still the career crisis. I’m not happy doing what I’m doing. I dread it. All the time. I still have no idea what to do. Just coasting. Hoping something will fall in my lap or I will have a lightbulb moment. It’s been 2-ish years now, so it’s clearly not going to happen that way, eh?

I have tried proactivity. Didn’t pan out. I dunno. I’ll just continue on a bit longer, I guess. I can hear you all sighing and berating me in your heads…”go out there and do something about it, find a job doing what you like”. Problem is, I have no idea what I like. No passion. No joy. No enthusiasm.

Ugh. Im sick of typing and thinking about it. The end.