Category Archives: Exercise

Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.

 

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Anxiety

It’s one of those days. I have all the anxiety. And for no good reason.

I guess there are really two types of anxiety – those with good reason and those without. I very rarely have a reason to be anxious, but I guess my mind decides to wind itself up in knots and worry anyway.

I believe I always have anxiety, it is just at various strengths and debilitations.

I’m starting to get over it very, very quickly of late – so so so sick of worrying and having that heavy ball of stress in the pit of my stomach. I am going to investigate anti anxiety medications. I’ve been thinking about going back to my doctor and explaining all this, which I guess will be followed by another referral to a psych. I just want some relief, some downtime, time to not worry and think and overthink and rethink and then start all over again. I just want a quiet mind, a calm mind.

I saw a psych a couple of years ago for my “career crisis”, but I don’t think she really helped me. It was only 6 or 8 sessions, so Im hesitant to say it’s all bollocks. I’d probably need to try another psych to form any sort of opinion. Ad follow through with therapy. And then again, its all money! Hello financial anxiety!

I’ve been to the gym this morning. That used to work to calm me. It still does sometimes, but not as often as I’d like. I’m thinking about shopping the anxiety away but that means I will spend money I don’t have and have to lock the cat inside, which I feel guilty about as he loves being outside and I have to lock him in so often when I’m out for work! Ugh, see how I can anxiety-up anything? Haha You name it, I can figure out a way to stress about it!

The root of it all? I guess still the career crisis. I’m not happy doing what I’m doing. I dread it. All the time. I still have no idea what to do. Just coasting. Hoping something will fall in my lap or I will have a lightbulb moment. It’s been 2-ish years now, so it’s clearly not going to happen that way, eh?

I have tried proactivity. Didn’t pan out. I dunno. I’ll just continue on a bit longer, I guess. I can hear you all sighing and berating me in your heads…”go out there and do something about it, find a job doing what you like”. Problem is, I have no idea what I like. No passion. No joy. No enthusiasm.

Ugh. Im sick of typing and thinking about it. The end.

A New Year

Well, the new year is upon us. A time to reflect? Celebrate? Reminisce? All over the above plus many other things I would suggest.

Its been another ‘meh’ year for me, a lost year. I haven’t achieved a lot career-wise or study-wise. I haven’t found a direction.

I’ve been pretty low but I’ve managed to pull myself up from that of late, which, I guess, is a celebration for me. As small as it may seem in the scheme of things.Β I had allowed myself to sink pretty low. Physically and mentally hurting and poisoning myself. Shutting myself in, locking others out. I’m back at the gym, eating properly and not putting bad things in my body. Hopefully this time I can sustain it. Although, cycles appear to be my modus operandi. I need to learn from my mistakes. Im slowly understanding and implementing that.

I currently have no goals or plans in place for 2015. I love playing the ostrich! I’m kind of frustrated and already accepting of another lost and wandering year. I have deferred my final psychology unit and accepted a place in a counselling course. Not even sure I will do that. I will continue with casual teaching work and tutoring. Both which are uninspiring and unfulfilling and rather fill me with dread when I think of going back to them after holidays.

I am dreaming of leaving. I just want to go away. I want to go to the UK for a period of time. I need change and the UK is my go-to place and seems as good a place as any. I cannot get a working visa though. They don’t want me! Sob sob. Id make such a great Brit I reckon – I adore the weather, the culture, everything about the UK! I’ve invited a few Englishmen to marry me (and had an offer from a lovely female friend hehe) but to no avail. Im almost considering just going over on a 6 month holiday visa, but again, the money. I will bankrupt myself very soon. Very very soon.

But on the other hand, I don’t plan on living to be old, so why shouldn’t I just spend all my money now?! I want to live while I’m young, enjoy it and just stop when I’ve had enough. But that’s a whole other philosophy of mine. A whole other blog post. Not as morbid as it sounds, don’t worry πŸ˜›

So I guess that’s my current stream of unconscious rambling. Of course I had to do a fucking New Year’s Eve post!! Such a sheep.

Enjoy the day and night kids – partake in some good food and wine and friends. Think of those not with us. Shed a tear if you need. I may. Deal with tonight and tomorrow as best you can – I know it will be hard for some.

Catching up

Well, well, well. I have been slack haven’t I?

I do not even know where to start. I have a swirling mind full of things, in no discernible order or sequence.

I’m back to just floating, job-wise and study-wise. I withdrew from my final psychology subject – and then, of course, the very next day I received an offer of honours based on successful completion of said subject :/ Meh is my only response to that. I might go back to psychology one day. I figure if I can get an honours offer once, I can do it again. Yes? That makes sense, right? But the hurdle after 4th year is Masters etc, which I would have no hope of gaining entry to with my current marks. We shall see.

In the meantime, I had applied to, and was accepted to do a counselling course at Deakin. It runs after hours and part time. Not ideal. Not even sure I will do that yet. I just don’t know. I’m also toying with social work and speech pathology.

Im tutoring and casual teaching. Not loving it. It’s just my means of income.

I have the largest urge to run away again. If I didn’t have Murphy, I would be in London right now. Or travelling there. I just want out and away – the other side of the world seems ideal. In front of an open fire or walking along the Thames, drinking coffee and wandering with strangers.

As you can see, I’m a flight type personality haha Fleeing and burying my head in the sand is what I do well.

Floating. Waiting for a sign, the way, just something. I guess it’s probably the worst way I can handle things, and should be proactive, but I just can’t bring myself to at the moment. I wish I had a fairy godmother to guide my way. Fix my lost. Guide me.

And of course this time of year brings out all the feels. I could happily sleep until new years. I’m just feeling lonely I think, which is not normally an issue I have to deal with. I can handle my own company. Maybe I’m ready to not be alone…gasp!! Find that person who I can relate to, who can relate to me and ‘who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.’Β I love Girls πŸ™‚ So much relatable!!

Maybe 2015 will be the year I escape my demons, my ex and get myself out there and meeting new people and looking. And possibly finding. Possibly πŸ™‚

Get through. That is my current motto. Just get through.

I have returned to the gym! Yay me. It helps the mind I think. The mind and the body. My ass is looking better and less saggy!! Haha Booyah!! I guess this is helping the self issues. All the goddamn self issues!

I think I really need to start using this as a regular outlet – like I said, plenty of swirly things happening in my head. The extra, really lost sensation has returned and getting it all out and writing it down might help me make some sense. Find a direction, a path, a way.

I can’t keep going like this – the end point will not be pretty. It’s all very well to take time out to figure shit, but there comes a point – usually financial – where decisions have to be made. I’ve been very indulgent with my life of late and need to decide on things, one way or another.

 

Health

I have had a headache for three days now. It is annoying to say the least.

I’m not too worried about it – I tend to get a lot of them and was told as a child they are in the family. The fact that Dad had an inoperable brain tumour niggles at me, but not too any great extent.

I think at the moment I am just extremely unhealthy. Compared to where I was. I have always had to work hard to have a proper diet. And to exercise to keep healthy. I was there, I had it all pretty much under control. But the last 3 or 4 weeks I have allowed it all to unravel. I have stopped seeing my PT, have not been to the gym for 3+ weeks, have started eating copious amounts of sugar again and other crappy food and given away all my healthy food meals and habits such as eating breakfast and drinking 2 litres of water each day. I also tend to get dragged down into other unhealthy compensatory behaviours which I am not prepared to go into here and now.

I am more than peeved with myself.

And of course since the physical wellbeing is sinking, so is the mental wellbeing. Gah! Cant win :/

I blame work. I do not handle work well. It simply exhausts me. I know, I know, we all have to work and we all feel the same way. It is clearly something I need to work on – managing tiredness and making time for exercise and proper food preparation. I have started back at university now, as mentioned in my previous post, so work will be reducing work again soon. I guess now I have to re-balance a healthy lifestyle and re-set my goals and priorities.

It’s so funny. I know how good I feel when everything is going how it should be – the right food makes me feel good. Yet I cannot stop shoving anything and everything down my throat, despite not even feeling hungry! Crazy.

Blah blah blah I just need to suck it up and do it, eh!

I still have the headache :/

I’m over here!!

Yes, I’m still here. Still alive. Just lazy and slack. I guess, also, preoccupied with university the last couple weeks, which is NOW COMPLETE! Well, until next trimester in two weeks, anyway.

I had three exams this week and one last Friday. Two I am confident with (helps when I received pretty good marks for the assignment sections of the subjects) and two will be touch and go. I have accepted I may need to repeat a subject – Research Methods A. That could very well be a good thing as I need to go on and do Research Methods B and what good is doing the more advanced stuff when you do not even have a good grasp of the easier stuff?! Gah! Craziness. Anyone who has ever had to deal with ANOVA, regressions, type I and II errors and t and z values knows what I am talking about :/ Anyhooooo….cross everything for me please!!!

So now that I have some uni free time, I guess I better do some actual paid work the next few weeks until I am back into it. I have told the teaching agency I can work full-time starting Monday, so we shall see how that goes. I haven’t worked in quite a few weeks. I may have forgotten how that goes hahha

I am having back and hip issues which are frustrating me no end! A couple of visits to the osteo and remedial masseuse have done nothing. It’s probably close to a month now and is really getting me down – being in pain so often is not fun :/ Some days I am okay, I can run and train. But other days I can barely walk. So so so so not ideal. I’m told my pelvis is doing weird shit. I don’t care, please just fix me. And It’s getting quite expensive financially and mentally to tell the truth. My nurse girlfriends told me to see a GP and get x-rays – should that be my next move? I’m not a person who has a lot of physical injuries so I am really struggling with it. Today I shall stay in comfy yoga pants, on the couch, and rest it all. Heat pack included! And maybe some choccy if I can rustle it up!

I had a nice girl’s night out last night. Beautiful lamb backstrap and a simple salad. And I even indulged in a flourless choccy cake – let’s call it a finished exams treat!! Haha It’s quite good for the soul to eat and chat. As much as I was feeling flat and sore and yuck, I did enjoy it and look forward to our next date.

I guess that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have been quite insular lately, living in my own little bubble, dealing with the stress of exams. The house is a mess, I feel I have neglected people and social media haha The last thing not necessarily a bad thing really. I have about three loads of washing to do today and many many many cat hairs to vacuum up and dust to dust away!! Not sure if today is the day though – it will still be there tomorrow, yeah?

I need a maid. And a cook.

Ciao πŸ™‚

A mash-up

I feel like writing, so I figure I shall summarise my life and thoughts at the moment. I have a dedicated blog post in mind regarding my Dad, but just not ready to attack it and relive it today.

So you’re stuck with rambling thoughts, boring every day business and anything else that comes to my mind.

I’m watching Fight Club at the moment. It’s a classic. I do so love Edward Norton. Ever since I saw him play the character with multiple personality disorder in that murder movie. Can’t recall the name right now – he was an alter boy when he killed a priest for sexually abusing him and others.

I’ve been thinking about ‘friends’ a bit lately. The real people not that idiotic TV show. Those who come into your life for a reason and those who come into it for a season etc. I am very bad with trusting and things that have happened with people I have recently met have not really helped that matter. I tend to keep people at arm’s length, which I know is not healthy. But I am aware of it. And I think that awareness allows me to work on my trust/acceptance issues. That’s another thing – acceptance. I tend to not accept people on face value I think they have an ulterior motive or something stupid like that and there is another reason that leads me to keeping people away.Β It’s almost like I expect people to prove themselves to me. But reflecting on that, it’s like I then refuse to accept that proof once its complete.

I have many flaws and weaknesses as you can see! Haha Some I can deal with, others I despise.

On the other hand, I have met some lovely people online lately, who make me feel really good about myself. It’s great to have banter with people, where you just feel accepted. And not judged. I do feel judged by some, but I guess the relationship I have with them is very superficial – not meaningful, not true. They don’t get all of me, whereas the people who have gone through shit or are just genuinely nice people, get more of me, the true me. Poor things! lol

I know I get far too emotionally involved. It’s the fucking bane of my existence. I need to stop that shit ASAP. I find that attempting to not care kind of works haha Put up that brick wall. Don’t let anyone in. Again, unhealthy. But people keep proving what arsehats they are, over and over and over again. I get sick of dealing with it. People who come across as sweet and nice and caring then wham! They show their true colours. And I end up overthinking, losing (more) sleep and generally feeling like hell.

I’ve gone and got myself a personal trainer! I needed help with a weights program. I’m pretty good with cardio but clueless with weights. And I don’t push myself when alone as hard as I do with her. I’ve only had two sessions – a fitness test and one upper body training session, but WOW! I told her I wanted to hurt the day after, and two days later I still hurt!! I like it. Love the burn!! I need to start taking better care of myself. I think I self-abuse at times, through purposely eating rubbish and not being healthy. But I am actually enjoying trying to eat better and taking time for myself to exercise. It clears my head and releases those magical endorphins!!

I’ve successfully avoided university this week! Haha I had an assignment due on sunday which is complete so I feel like I deserve a break! It was a slow week tutorial wise – only two out of four – so only two I need to catch up on at some stage. I have to do a group presentation next wednesday. Fuck I hate group presentations. There are five people in our group, with only regular contact from three of us :/ I have no idea why they force this hell on us!?

It’s Christmas. It’s busy. I’m over it already. No more shopping at shopping centres until well into January. Luckily I don’t have to buy any chrissy presents. Well, probably only one, at some stage, for my BFF. He is sooooo hard to buy for :/ He wants me to go shopping with him in the city tomorrow. I think I will politely decline. Can you imagine the mayhem?! I will start shooting. I’m sure of it. My close circle of friends are having a chrissy BBQ on Sunday. I should have a decent tipple. I need a crazy night. Problem is one will have to work the next day and the others all have kids. Which obviously means no more fun, ever! πŸ™‚ lol Meh.

Hmmmmm Im hungry. I will leave it there.

Thanks for reading πŸ™‚