Category Archives: Holidays

The Christmas Edition

Well, it has been a long time between drinks.

I think the blog only comes to pass when I have too much crap in my head and nowhere else for it to go. I have been feeling okay lately I guess (I think what I have been feeling is called ‘okay’ – small bouts of good even!)

But the lead-up to Christmas has brought me right back down – expressly, the people I don’t have. Since seeing tat bloody psychiatrist, my awareness of people I don’t have has only grown. Ugh, Im not even ready to blog about this today.

New topic!

I’ve finally found about my first ever hobby – sewing! It’s quite amusing to me as Mum liked to sew and knit and every other arty/crafty thing and I would never have a bar of it. I’ve started making sensory fidget toys in the form of fiddle bags – Spot This! Sensory Fiddle Bags. I’m selling at markets, which I don’t love and is a real struggle some days to actually interact with people and sell stuff, as well as online. I’m getting quite good feedback from customers on them, which has helped to build my confidence in the, But still, fuck its hard to accept a compliment.

I need some new products too now, so Im planning on perfecting a couple of new things over the holidays, ready for the first markets of 2017.

Um what else? Circling back to people I don’t have, the bff is missing in action as he’s too damn obsessed with the new boyfriend and it has finally shattered with another so-called ‘friend’. Im done with her passive-aggressive game playing and juvenile behaviour *wipes hands*. My small circle has lost 2 and seems extra small.

That’s all for now. I’m sick of talking about the feels and stuff.

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Career feels

So this time of year is significant for Victoria, and Australia in general I guess, as the new school year is starting.

I have been watching teachers setting up their classroom, kids getting ready to head back to the classroom and parents rejoicing about their return.

So of course, the crappy anxiousy feels have started.

This was/is my world. It was. It is past, but feeling how I do now, I think there is still some residual attachment to the profession. I guess I’m in transition of moving away from the role of full-time classroom teacher to whatever my next role is – clearly I have not accepted any newly defined role as I’m still harbouring attachment to the old. Still finding that path. Maybe I will never fully make the disconnection. Maybe at the start of each school year I will get these feelings. A full time teacher at heart perhaps?

I hate the awful feels. Hate hate hate. It doesn’t help when everyone else is busy contributing to society and working full tie and not around for coffees and brunches haha

I am tutoring later. I can feel a little better about helping 3 kids tonight. That will get me through the afternoon.

A New Year

Well, the new year is upon us. A time to reflect? Celebrate? Reminisce? All over the above plus many other things I would suggest.

Its been another ‘meh’ year for me, a lost year. I haven’t achieved a lot career-wise or study-wise. I haven’t found a direction.

I’ve been pretty low but I’ve managed to pull myself up from that of late, which, I guess, is a celebration for me. As small as it may seem in the scheme of things. I had allowed myself to sink pretty low. Physically and mentally hurting and poisoning myself. Shutting myself in, locking others out. I’m back at the gym, eating properly and not putting bad things in my body. Hopefully this time I can sustain it. Although, cycles appear to be my modus operandi. I need to learn from my mistakes. Im slowly understanding and implementing that.

I currently have no goals or plans in place for 2015. I love playing the ostrich! I’m kind of frustrated and already accepting of another lost and wandering year. I have deferred my final psychology unit and accepted a place in a counselling course. Not even sure I will do that. I will continue with casual teaching work and tutoring. Both which are uninspiring and unfulfilling and rather fill me with dread when I think of going back to them after holidays.

I am dreaming of leaving. I just want to go away. I want to go to the UK for a period of time. I need change and the UK is my go-to place and seems as good a place as any. I cannot get a working visa though. They don’t want me! Sob sob. Id make such a great Brit I reckon – I adore the weather, the culture, everything about the UK! I’ve invited a few Englishmen to marry me (and had an offer from a lovely female friend hehe) but to no avail. Im almost considering just going over on a 6 month holiday visa, but again, the money. I will bankrupt myself very soon. Very very soon.

But on the other hand, I don’t plan on living to be old, so why shouldn’t I just spend all my money now?! I want to live while I’m young, enjoy it and just stop when I’ve had enough. But that’s a whole other philosophy of mine. A whole other blog post. Not as morbid as it sounds, don’t worry 😛

So I guess that’s my current stream of unconscious rambling. Of course I had to do a fucking New Year’s Eve post!! Such a sheep.

Enjoy the day and night kids – partake in some good food and wine and friends. Think of those not with us. Shed a tear if you need. I may. Deal with tonight and tomorrow as best you can – I know it will be hard for some.

The Past

My memories have started flowing tonight. They are making me a bit sad and nostalgic.

I’m trying to ignore it all the best I can. I will head to bed soon and hopefully sleep.

When I was little we used to have our big family gathering on Christmas Eve – all of us kids would wait for the men to get home from the pub so we could get our presents. It was great. Nanna would spoil us all. There was trifle, sponges, snowball cupcakes – Mum and Nanna and my Aunt would have been baking for weeks beforehand.

Mum and I used to go mad decorating the place. It was cra-zazy.

I’ve now lost most of my Christmas spirit. I have put a mini tree up this year, though.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.