Category Archives: Personality

Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.

 

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Current dilemma

So I tutor. Students. After school and on Saturdays. I was contacted by a tutoring company, offered a job and given clients. I am classified as a ‘subcontractor’. I get a flat $30 an hour, but looking on their website, some clients pay $70 an hour for their tutoring session!

I was told they will OFFER me clients up to 45 minutes away from home. I have been GIVEN students – not OFFERED. I have to claim petrol etc. I travel 30/40 minutes for some jobs. I hate travelling.

From about six pays, two have been messed up. To be fair, not entirely their fault, but still.

I don’t really like the people who hired me – they seem a bit ‘dodgy’ almost. I’m not sure why I think this. I have nothing substantial to back this up. Just a gut feeling. You know?

After this happened, I advertised and got some private clients. Closer to me, which I charge more money for.

Consequently I am a bit overloaded with clients, casual teaching and university and so what Im wondering, is why I feel unable to tell them I want to drop the furtherest away clients. I have no contract that says I have to stay. I think it is my own fear of being judged by them and my desire to want to do good by everyone else.

I really really really just want to be selfish, do good for ME and be more ruthless in looking after myself, without the after feelings of guilt and feeling like I have let people down.

I started reflecting on this and how it seems to happen a lot. I have managed to work myself up into a real state over it. I hate feeling trapped and stuck – if I stay with my company clients, I am doing the ‘right’ thing by the company – who, lets be honest, I don’t really owe anything to. More importantly, I am also letting the children and their parents down. But if I ask to drop some clients, I feel guilty that I have let them down and what will they think of me? I cant seem to win. I feel shit whichever route I decide to take.

I do this far too often – I have decisions to make and either alternative will end up making me feel horrible. Am I being too nice? Is this normal? Do people have this dilemma running through their heads every time they need to make a decision?

I emailed them earlier and explained my thoughts. They rang me. I didn’t answer. I’m currently debating whether I can be bothered in dealing with it today or wait until tomorrow. If I wait, it will sit with me all night. I’m already feeling sick and angry at the world. Grrrrrr

Do I ring them back and be assertive and strong and just say, ‘too bad. Im dropping those clients’. More than likely, I will ring them back and allow them to talk me into keeping things as they are and have no time for my private clients :-/ Yes, that seems the likely scenario.

Fuck.

Any advice?

Walls

So I have walls. Emotional blockages keeping you out. Keeping you at arms length.

I’m not sure why really. To avoid any inevitable pain and hurt is probably the main culprit. I’m just emotionally stunted perhaps. I’ve tried psychoanalysing – to a degree.

It’s not something I want to keep as part of me, so I am slowly trying to remove the walls, bit by bit, here and there. Letting in a select few. Trying to not spook and freak out when I do let the walls down. It’s hard though. But then again I guess all things that will benefit you are hard to do, eh?!

I struggle with giving any of myself, giving personal information, sharing anything deep, selfies! Haha The vulnerability is palpable! I feel so exposed.

But I will keep persevering 🙂 Keep an eye out for any cracks or lack of wall that you may come across. And please, be gentle with me!