Category Archives: Self improveent

Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.

 

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My friend Adam

Yesterday I talked on the phone for two and a half hours with my friend, Adam. This from a guy who, at his worst, avoids the phone like crazy, doesn’t answer the door when people knock and keep all the blinds closed. So obviously, he needed to talk.

I met Adam years ago through my then boyfriend (I think). He is from Castlemaine, but lives in Bendigo now, and a more typical Aussie bloke you will not find! Loves a beer. Too much. At present I would say he is an alcoholic. I think he knows this. He talked about drinking a slab then going to hospital for a rehab stint. He has never done a withdrawal program, but his cousin has. Twice.

Being so far away from him is quite painful – especially when he is like this. He lives alone, is separated with two kids, struggling financially. He has just done a 12 months period with no licence after being caught drink drinking. I think he has figured out that we are both going through similar things with anxiety and depression and is reaching out to me. Yesterday we talked about how really, only people who have experienced this way of living (existing) can understand. We have mutual friends who make all the right noises, say all the right things, but really, they don’t get it when we hate doing things out the front of the house in case we see people, people see us or god forbid! – people talk to us. Adam hates mowing the front lawn, I always take my bins out and back in when it’s dark haha I think we had a good 30 minutes on this topic. He loved it when I told him some days I do not leave the house – even if that means calling in sick – as I cannot be seen by people. Yes, some days my self-esteem and confidence is that low. He does the same thing – it made him happy to know he isn’t alone. We then discussed the guilt – the financial guilt – that sets in afterwards and eats you up for not fulfilling your responsibilities. Ahhh the laughs we had talking about the shite we do.

Adam told me how he used to be called Smiley by his workmates. And he really did used to be. He was one of the most happy-go-lucky guys you’d ever meet. Now he is smiley, but it’s just that fake one. That ‘I’m ok’ smile. You know the one. I told him how when I genuinely smile or laugh nowadays, it feels weird, foreign. I am not used to it. I am used to fake and forced smiles and laughs. How fucking sad is that?! There was another good 30 minutes worth of discussion and reflection.

It was a devastating, yet therapeutic phone call. He realised he is not alone in this shit. I heard from him how bad things are/have been/could be. We discussed some things that has been worrying him. He is trying to keep his house, but told not to show up for work for two weeks as there is none! His ex is a pig bitch from hell who makes every second of contact between him and his kids as painful and difficult as possible. He fights with his Dad, who has remarried since his mum died suddenly a few years back. It’s all too much. It’s not fair. Why do good people suffer this?

He also mentioned he had been drinking since 8am.

I wish I was closer. I like to think I could help more.

A New Year

Well, the new year is upon us. A time to reflect? Celebrate? Reminisce? All over the above plus many other things I would suggest.

Its been another ‘meh’ year for me, a lost year. I haven’t achieved a lot career-wise or study-wise. I haven’t found a direction.

I’ve been pretty low but I’ve managed to pull myself up from that of late, which, I guess, is a celebration for me. As small as it may seem in the scheme of things. I had allowed myself to sink pretty low. Physically and mentally hurting and poisoning myself. Shutting myself in, locking others out. I’m back at the gym, eating properly and not putting bad things in my body. Hopefully this time I can sustain it. Although, cycles appear to be my modus operandi. I need to learn from my mistakes. Im slowly understanding and implementing that.

I currently have no goals or plans in place for 2015. I love playing the ostrich! I’m kind of frustrated and already accepting of another lost and wandering year. I have deferred my final psychology unit and accepted a place in a counselling course. Not even sure I will do that. I will continue with casual teaching work and tutoring. Both which are uninspiring and unfulfilling and rather fill me with dread when I think of going back to them after holidays.

I am dreaming of leaving. I just want to go away. I want to go to the UK for a period of time. I need change and the UK is my go-to place and seems as good a place as any. I cannot get a working visa though. They don’t want me! Sob sob. Id make such a great Brit I reckon – I adore the weather, the culture, everything about the UK! I’ve invited a few Englishmen to marry me (and had an offer from a lovely female friend hehe) but to no avail. Im almost considering just going over on a 6 month holiday visa, but again, the money. I will bankrupt myself very soon. Very very soon.

But on the other hand, I don’t plan on living to be old, so why shouldn’t I just spend all my money now?! I want to live while I’m young, enjoy it and just stop when I’ve had enough. But that’s a whole other philosophy of mine. A whole other blog post. Not as morbid as it sounds, don’t worry 😛

So I guess that’s my current stream of unconscious rambling. Of course I had to do a fucking New Year’s Eve post!! Such a sheep.

Enjoy the day and night kids – partake in some good food and wine and friends. Think of those not with us. Shed a tear if you need. I may. Deal with tonight and tomorrow as best you can – I know it will be hard for some.

Walls

So I have walls. Emotional blockages keeping you out. Keeping you at arms length.

I’m not sure why really. To avoid any inevitable pain and hurt is probably the main culprit. I’m just emotionally stunted perhaps. I’ve tried psychoanalysing – to a degree.

It’s not something I want to keep as part of me, so I am slowly trying to remove the walls, bit by bit, here and there. Letting in a select few. Trying to not spook and freak out when I do let the walls down. It’s hard though. But then again I guess all things that will benefit you are hard to do, eh?!

I struggle with giving any of myself, giving personal information, sharing anything deep, selfies! Haha The vulnerability is palpable! I feel so exposed.

But I will keep persevering 🙂 Keep an eye out for any cracks or lack of wall that you may come across. And please, be gentle with me!