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Vestige

My poor blog; I’ve neglected you. But you’ve never been far from my thoughts. I’m often stringing words together in my mind, coming up with bigger and better synonyms, hearing beautiful words I want to remember and use in the future.

And I remembered my password! Good times!

Why are some people so bad for your mental health? I’m talking about the ones that don’t even realize or recognize that they capture your attention and make you crave them. And you didn’t tell them, so essentially it’s all YOUR OWN MISERABLE EXPERIENCE 😂 They’re fault free but I still want/need to lay blame at their feet.

And I know. I know what I need to do, but like all good addictions, I simply can’t. I am weak and I acquiesce and I come back for more.

Tbc

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self

My self confidence is so low. It always has been.

And as such, I cling to any small attentions I might get.

It’s really quite embarrassing what I will put up with and then look for more.

Which, in turn, leads my self confidence to plummet further.

 

Hurt

To think you’re special. You’re someone’s one. And then realise that, of course, it’s all an untruth.

It fucking hurts.

And I try not to let myself let people in because it always fails in the most dramatic way and when will I fucking learn?

I’m not sure if I hate people or myself more right now.

I miss my numbness.

Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

Holding myself to account

A few things lately have made me think Im not doing great. 

Im surviving, and I thought nothing was out of the ordinary, but maybe I am actually lower than I thought.

Topping my suspicions is my reluctance to leave my house and see people. Im having to make a real effort to do this lately. Think I need to get back into work – force myself to be productive, be occupied. Holidays are great, but you get stuck in a rut, spend too much time overthinking and slump back into bad habits. That is where I am now. 

Im also querying what is so bad about suicide. That is scary to type. I have never really had any such ideations. But questioning it and thinking about scares me a little – a little too close for comfort.

Anyway, just noting that I need to keep an eye on myself. Its now documented. Holding myself to account!

Enough

Enough. I’ve just about had my fill of this time of year. I am so glad it is nearly over and I have survived. Survived my own sabotage and my own crazy, overactive mind. I am ready for routine and some semblance of normality to return.

I thought it would be an extra bad time for me, considering the topsy turvy year I’ve had, but I’ve fared better than expected. Go me! We shall see how the night goes haha I am missing London though, as the last two years I have spent gallivanting around over there during the holiday period.

I spent Christmas with my bff’s family in Castlemaine. Fucking 5 hours of driving that day! I would have been happy to stay home – I’ve done it before, its not that bad – but I was pushed into it a bit. I had other invites – from people I have recently met and some I have never met as well! People I have met online. These are the things that restore some of my faith in people.

Two days after Christmas I returned to central Vic to Bendigo, for a long awaited catch up with a friend. Needless to say, I’m sick to death of driving :/

I’m not even going to ponder the year ahead tonight. I’m not going to get sucked into the sentimentality of getting rid of a crap year and hoping the next year will be better. I think I have probably done enough examining, wondering and dwelling on the past, present and future of my life over the past 12 months. Tonight will, hopefully, be insignificant.

I’m glad I am leaving behind some people and things that have happened in 2013 though. But in the scheme of things, they aren’t even worth mentioning and wasting time on. But I just did, didn’t I !? Haha You know who you are.

It has been an interesting year, to say the least. High ups and low downs. A year like I have never experienced before and probably, if given the choice, would choose not to experience again. But it has been a learning curve. I guess looking ahead I am interested to see what 2014 and 2015 will serve up to me. A little more clarity and contentment would be greatly appreciated!!