Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.

 

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Sad

I’m just feeling sad today. This is not a usual emotion for me – it’s usually worry or anxiety.

But perhaps I am mistaking anxiety for sadness. Anyway, I shall ride it out and endure as per usual.

I hate when moods fluctuate for no good reason. The sun is out, I don’t have to work until later today, so why the flatness?

I think I may have a touch of hopelessness, too. Thinking about work and money etc. The usual culprits!

I don’t feel like delving any deeper. Just thought I’d kill 5 minutes whilst waiting for the new Walking Dead to start!

10 Things

I don’t have time to write a proper, detailed post right now, so I will give you 10 quick things (however boring and mundane they seem) that are going on with me at the moment.

  1. I have enrolled in my final Grad Dip in Psych subject to finish over the Christmas holidays and hopefully then apply and be accepted into Honours next year.
  2. I haven’t taught much in the last two weeks as my anxiety (and laziness?) has got the better of me and now I’m short on money.
  3. I went to the hairdressers today for a much needed cut and colour after cancelling an appointment last week, as I couldn’t bare to stare at myself in the mirror for 2+ hours.
  4. I’m going out for dinner on Saturday night with the girls and as much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m also not looking forward to it.
  5. The cat has been in a mood the last couple of days as he wants to go outside but it is too cold for him and apparently that is my fault.
  6. I am eating far too much McDonald’s and things are getting dire so I need to stop that right now (or soon).
  7. I am still wandering through life with no real direction and am consequently investigating even more possible career paths, including writing and speech pathology, however I feel writing is more of a pass-time or hobby as opposed to a money-making venture.
  8. My eyes are hurting with my contact lenses in and I’m considering buying a nice, new pair of frames to wear all the time, but I hate driving in glasses.
  9. I’m dreading the warmer weather as I never feel comfortable with myself at this time of the year – physically or mentally.
  10. I’ve been drinking tea lately – Irish breakfast – and cannot remember the last time I had a cup of coffee.

Untitled

She didn’t know.

She hadn’t for so long.

And she didn’t know how to find out.

So she stayed. Floated. Ambled. Existed. In this life. This world. This now.

She used to know. Well, maybe not ‘know’ but….be subconsciously oriented. It was never an issue.Life and being just was. It was effortless, neutral, nice.

The absence of contentment is draining. Never take content for granted. You don’t need to strive for happy. Content is perfectly acceptable.

But she didn’t know.

How to get the content back.

Anxiety

It’s one of those days. I have all the anxiety. And for no good reason.

I guess there are really two types of anxiety – those with good reason and those without. I very rarely have a reason to be anxious, but I guess my mind decides to wind itself up in knots and worry anyway.

I believe I always have anxiety, it is just at various strengths and debilitations.

I’m starting to get over it very, very quickly of late – so so so sick of worrying and having that heavy ball of stress in the pit of my stomach. I am going to investigate anti anxiety medications. I’ve been thinking about going back to my doctor and explaining all this, which I guess will be followed by another referral to a psych. I just want some relief, some downtime, time to not worry and think and overthink and rethink and then start all over again. I just want a quiet mind, a calm mind.

I saw a psych a couple of years ago for my “career crisis”, but I don’t think she really helped me. It was only 6 or 8 sessions, so Im hesitant to say it’s all bollocks. I’d probably need to try another psych to form any sort of opinion. Ad follow through with therapy. And then again, its all money! Hello financial anxiety!

I’ve been to the gym this morning. That used to work to calm me. It still does sometimes, but not as often as I’d like. I’m thinking about shopping the anxiety away but that means I will spend money I don’t have and have to lock the cat inside, which I feel guilty about as he loves being outside and I have to lock him in so often when I’m out for work! Ugh, see how I can anxiety-up anything? Haha You name it, I can figure out a way to stress about it!

The root of it all? I guess still the career crisis. I’m not happy doing what I’m doing. I dread it. All the time. I still have no idea what to do. Just coasting. Hoping something will fall in my lap or I will have a lightbulb moment. It’s been 2-ish years now, so it’s clearly not going to happen that way, eh?

I have tried proactivity. Didn’t pan out. I dunno. I’ll just continue on a bit longer, I guess. I can hear you all sighing and berating me in your heads…”go out there and do something about it, find a job doing what you like”. Problem is, I have no idea what I like. No passion. No joy. No enthusiasm.

Ugh. Im sick of typing and thinking about it. The end.

Le Sigh

Its been one of those days today. A bad mental health day. No rhyme, no reason, just the wake up anxious and unsettled and question your very existence type.

If there was a reason, I could accept the crappy feelings, the stress, the dark – but when there is no reason, I hate it. There generally is never a reason. Or a reason that my mind has decided to make up or fixate upon.

That heavy ball in the pit of your tummy, the lack of enthusiasm, the tears constantly threatening.

Perhaps it is time for a doctor visit. Perhaps I’m at the point of needing help again. I don’t know.

I’d kill for some more sleeping pills – Im down to my last! By the end of these kind of days I just want sweet relief through sleep. Let the go day and (hopefully) wake up to a better day. Well, a not so bad day at the very least. Instead, of late Ive been laying staring at the ceiling for hours. Not idea. Not want I want, especially after today. Thinking is bad, yeah.

Career feels

So this time of year is significant for Victoria, and Australia in general I guess, as the new school year is starting.

I have been watching teachers setting up their classroom, kids getting ready to head back to the classroom and parents rejoicing about their return.

So of course, the crappy anxiousy feels have started.

This was/is my world. It was. It is past, but feeling how I do now, I think there is still some residual attachment to the profession. I guess I’m in transition of moving away from the role of full-time classroom teacher to whatever my next role is – clearly I have not accepted any newly defined role as I’m still harbouring attachment to the old. Still finding that path. Maybe I will never fully make the disconnection. Maybe at the start of each school year I will get these feelings. A full time teacher at heart perhaps?

I hate the awful feels. Hate hate hate. It doesn’t help when everyone else is busy contributing to society and working full tie and not around for coffees and brunches haha

I am tutoring later. I can feel a little better about helping 3 kids tonight. That will get me through the afternoon.