Tag Archives: Career crisis

Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

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Anxiety

It’s one of those days. I have all the anxiety. And for no good reason.

I guess there are really two types of anxiety – those with good reason and those without. I very rarely have a reason to be anxious, but I guess my mind decides to wind itself up in knots and worry anyway.

I believe I always have anxiety, it is just at various strengths and debilitations.

I’m starting to get over it very, very quickly of late – so so so sick of worrying and having that heavy ball of stress in the pit of my stomach. I am going to investigate anti anxiety medications. I’ve been thinking about going back to my doctor and explaining all this, which I guess will be followed by another referral to a psych. I just want some relief, some downtime, time to not worry and think and overthink and rethink and then start all over again. I just want a quiet mind, a calm mind.

I saw a psych a couple of years ago for my “career crisis”, but I don’t think she really helped me. It was only 6 or 8 sessions, so Im hesitant to say it’s all bollocks. I’d probably need to try another psych to form any sort of opinion. Ad follow through with therapy. And then again, its all money! Hello financial anxiety!

I’ve been to the gym this morning. That used to work to calm me. It still does sometimes, but not as often as I’d like. I’m thinking about shopping the anxiety away but that means I will spend money I don’t have and have to lock the cat inside, which I feel guilty about as he loves being outside and I have to lock him in so often when I’m out for work! Ugh, see how I can anxiety-up anything? Haha You name it, I can figure out a way to stress about it!

The root of it all? I guess still the career crisis. I’m not happy doing what I’m doing. I dread it. All the time. I still have no idea what to do. Just coasting. Hoping something will fall in my lap or I will have a lightbulb moment. It’s been 2-ish years now, so it’s clearly not going to happen that way, eh?

I have tried proactivity. Didn’t pan out. I dunno. I’ll just continue on a bit longer, I guess. I can hear you all sighing and berating me in your heads…”go out there and do something about it, find a job doing what you like”. Problem is, I have no idea what I like. No passion. No joy. No enthusiasm.

Ugh. Im sick of typing and thinking about it. The end.

Career feels

So this time of year is significant for Victoria, and Australia in general I guess, as the new school year is starting.

I have been watching teachers setting up their classroom, kids getting ready to head back to the classroom and parents rejoicing about their return.

So of course, the crappy anxiousy feels have started.

This was/is my world. It was. It is past, but feeling how I do now, I think there is still some residual attachment to the profession. I guess I’m in transition of moving away from the role of full-time classroom teacher to whatever my next role is – clearly I have not accepted any newly defined role as I’m still harbouring attachment to the old. Still finding that path. Maybe I will never fully make the disconnection. Maybe at the start of each school year I will get these feelings. A full time teacher at heart perhaps?

I hate the awful feels. Hate hate hate. It doesn’t help when everyone else is busy contributing to society and working full tie and not around for coffees and brunches haha

I am tutoring later. I can feel a little better about helping 3 kids tonight. That will get me through the afternoon.

Work Update

Extreme emotion means a blog post guys! Aren’t you lucky 🙂

Just had a meeting with the tutoring company I subcontract through. Am thoroughly annoyed. Feeling flighty, anxious, pissed off. But instead of eating the feels, I will blog them!

So after gathering more private clients and running short of hours to offer the company (who have already filled me up with clients!!) I had a meeting to discuss.

Bad point – I was made to feel like a naughty school child for not telling them my availability at the end of last year. I think this is my main issue – it’s partly my fault, and I don’t like being wrong, and now I’m in trouble for it. So the annoyance and pissed offedness is partly towards myself.

Good point – They are going to try and accommodate me by giving some clients to other tutors and moving students to places that suit me. “We wont do it again” they warned me. Well then, my availability to you falls through the floor! Pfttt.

A kind of threat to resign came up from me, which is not ideal, but it was during a discussion of hypotheticals. To which I was told I need to continue tutoring for 6 months! 6 months!!?? Cue my stomach falling through the floor. They then clarified, students they cannot move to other teachers I need to continue on with. This annoys me greatly. 6 fricken months.

Now I hear some of you saying, “did you even read the contract you signed”?! Well, yes and no. So again, partly my fault, which I will admit to.

I feel like Im being held to ransom by them in this respect and I’ve learned if there is one thing I hate, it’s feeling trapped.

Hence the vile mood. Feeling trapped. Want to escape. Flight, baby.

I sooooo feel like quitting just to prove a point. What point, I have no idea! Haha

But another good thing is I held my ground. I told them I need to do what’s right for me and if that means more money and shorter travel distances, well then so be it. I’m proud I didn’t cave. Or cry. I nearly did haha

Now to cross my fingers they can fit in with my timetable – that depends on if the clients agree to it. Please be kind clients.

Good poits

A New Year

Well, the new year is upon us. A time to reflect? Celebrate? Reminisce? All over the above plus many other things I would suggest.

Its been another ‘meh’ year for me, a lost year. I haven’t achieved a lot career-wise or study-wise. I haven’t found a direction.

I’ve been pretty low but I’ve managed to pull myself up from that of late, which, I guess, is a celebration for me. As small as it may seem in the scheme of things. I had allowed myself to sink pretty low. Physically and mentally hurting and poisoning myself. Shutting myself in, locking others out. I’m back at the gym, eating properly and not putting bad things in my body. Hopefully this time I can sustain it. Although, cycles appear to be my modus operandi. I need to learn from my mistakes. Im slowly understanding and implementing that.

I currently have no goals or plans in place for 2015. I love playing the ostrich! I’m kind of frustrated and already accepting of another lost and wandering year. I have deferred my final psychology unit and accepted a place in a counselling course. Not even sure I will do that. I will continue with casual teaching work and tutoring. Both which are uninspiring and unfulfilling and rather fill me with dread when I think of going back to them after holidays.

I am dreaming of leaving. I just want to go away. I want to go to the UK for a period of time. I need change and the UK is my go-to place and seems as good a place as any. I cannot get a working visa though. They don’t want me! Sob sob. Id make such a great Brit I reckon – I adore the weather, the culture, everything about the UK! I’ve invited a few Englishmen to marry me (and had an offer from a lovely female friend hehe) but to no avail. Im almost considering just going over on a 6 month holiday visa, but again, the money. I will bankrupt myself very soon. Very very soon.

But on the other hand, I don’t plan on living to be old, so why shouldn’t I just spend all my money now?! I want to live while I’m young, enjoy it and just stop when I’ve had enough. But that’s a whole other philosophy of mine. A whole other blog post. Not as morbid as it sounds, don’t worry 😛

So I guess that’s my current stream of unconscious rambling. Of course I had to do a fucking New Year’s Eve post!! Such a sheep.

Enjoy the day and night kids – partake in some good food and wine and friends. Think of those not with us. Shed a tear if you need. I may. Deal with tonight and tomorrow as best you can – I know it will be hard for some.

Annus Horribilis

I can always remember Queen Lizzy using that phrase. This year has been my annus horribilis – my horrible year.

Ive been caught up in, for lack of a better phrase, a career crisis. Looking back, it had been coming for a while, but I ignored it.

Im a teacher. I teach primary school. I have for about 9 years. Ive made some lovely connections – with kids and parents, and a few other teachers. But it was never my passion. Ive never had a passion to follow and create a career around. I think that is the root of the problem. Anyway, at the end of last year I had issues at work. Things happened. I was unhappy. I ran away to London over Christmas, hoping to get over the unhappiness and just get on with my job in the new year. Thats what we do, right?!

Apparently not.

My body and mind refused to. I started the new year, my new grade of 3/4s. I saw about a week before I was crying at the drop of a hat, breaking out in rashes, my insomnia worsened, allergies worsened. I saw a doctor, received a week off work as sick leave, then followed up with the rest of the term off with sick leave. I used that time to recuperate. To heal physically and mentally. To try and fix myself and sort out what to do.

With a mortgage and other financial responsibilities and a certain living standard that Ive become accustomed to, it was a damn hard decision process. So many what ifs. Im not sure of anything. I still have daily doubts. Im still not happy. Im still not even content. Its a struggle but Ive accepted it will be a long process.

Anyway, Im trying something new. I think I am done with teaching. I have gone back to university, studying psychology. I don’t know if it is the right thing to do, but I guess I have to do something. If that doesn’t fit, I will try something else. I guess Im lucky I have my teaching degree as casual teaching pays ok and should be able to keep me financially afloat for at least the next 12 moths – probably more.

Bottom line is I am just not happy. Its not working anymore. I have never had to try to be okay, to be happy, I just have been. But now its not a matter of just keeping going, just getting on with it. The body has spoken. I cant control it any longer. Its a bit frustrating considering I am a control freak and am no longer in control. I see it as a weakness, which I hate.

This is my journey. To find my normal. My contentment. I don’t necessarily need happy. Just content.