Tag Archives: Career

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sad

I’m just feeling sad today. This is not a usual emotion for me – it’s usually worry or anxiety.

But perhaps I am mistaking anxiety for sadness. Anyway, I shall ride it out and endure as per usual.

I hate when moods fluctuate for no good reason. The sun is out, I don’t have to work until later today, so why the flatness?

I think I may have a touch of hopelessness, too. Thinking about work and money etc. The usual culprits!

I don’t feel like delving any deeper. Just thought I’d kill 5 minutes whilst waiting for the new Walking Dead to start!

10 Things

I don’t have time to write a proper, detailed post right now, so I will give you 10 quick things (however boring and mundane they seem) that are going on with me at the moment.

  1. I have enrolled in my final Grad Dip in Psych subject to finish over the Christmas holidays and hopefully then apply and be accepted into Honours next year.
  2. I haven’t taught much in the last two weeks as my anxiety (and laziness?) has got the better of me and now I’m short on money.
  3. I went to the hairdressers today for a much needed cut and colour after cancelling an appointment last week, as I couldn’t bare to stare at myself in the mirror for 2+ hours.
  4. I’m going out for dinner on Saturday night with the girls and as much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m also not looking forward to it.
  5. The cat has been in a mood the last couple of days as he wants to go outside but it is too cold for him and apparently that is my fault.
  6. I am eating far too much McDonald’s and things are getting dire so I need to stop that right now (or soon).
  7. I am still wandering through life with no real direction and am consequently investigating even more possible career paths, including writing and speech pathology, however I feel writing is more of a pass-time or hobby as opposed to a money-making venture.
  8. My eyes are hurting with my contact lenses in and I’m considering buying a nice, new pair of frames to wear all the time, but I hate driving in glasses.
  9. I’m dreading the warmer weather as I never feel comfortable with myself at this time of the year – physically or mentally.
  10. I’ve been drinking tea lately – Irish breakfast – and cannot remember the last time I had a cup of coffee.

Career feels

So this time of year is significant for Victoria, and Australia in general I guess, as the new school year is starting.

I have been watching teachers setting up their classroom, kids getting ready to head back to the classroom and parents rejoicing about their return.

So of course, the crappy anxiousy feels have started.

This was/is my world. It was. It is past, but feeling how I do now, I think there is still some residual attachment to the profession. I guess I’m in transition of moving away from the role of full-time classroom teacher to whatever my next role is – clearly I have not accepted any newly defined role as I’m still harbouring attachment to the old. Still finding that path. Maybe I will never fully make the disconnection. Maybe at the start of each school year I will get these feelings. A full time teacher at heart perhaps?

I hate the awful feels. Hate hate hate. It doesn’t help when everyone else is busy contributing to society and working full tie and not around for coffees and brunches haha

I am tutoring later. I can feel a little better about helping 3 kids tonight. That will get me through the afternoon.

Work Update

Extreme emotion means a blog post guys! Aren’t you lucky 🙂

Just had a meeting with the tutoring company I subcontract through. Am thoroughly annoyed. Feeling flighty, anxious, pissed off. But instead of eating the feels, I will blog them!

So after gathering more private clients and running short of hours to offer the company (who have already filled me up with clients!!) I had a meeting to discuss.

Bad point – I was made to feel like a naughty school child for not telling them my availability at the end of last year. I think this is my main issue – it’s partly my fault, and I don’t like being wrong, and now I’m in trouble for it. So the annoyance and pissed offedness is partly towards myself.

Good point – They are going to try and accommodate me by giving some clients to other tutors and moving students to places that suit me. “We wont do it again” they warned me. Well then, my availability to you falls through the floor! Pfttt.

A kind of threat to resign came up from me, which is not ideal, but it was during a discussion of hypotheticals. To which I was told I need to continue tutoring for 6 months! 6 months!!?? Cue my stomach falling through the floor. They then clarified, students they cannot move to other teachers I need to continue on with. This annoys me greatly. 6 fricken months.

Now I hear some of you saying, “did you even read the contract you signed”?! Well, yes and no. So again, partly my fault, which I will admit to.

I feel like Im being held to ransom by them in this respect and I’ve learned if there is one thing I hate, it’s feeling trapped.

Hence the vile mood. Feeling trapped. Want to escape. Flight, baby.

I sooooo feel like quitting just to prove a point. What point, I have no idea! Haha

But another good thing is I held my ground. I told them I need to do what’s right for me and if that means more money and shorter travel distances, well then so be it. I’m proud I didn’t cave. Or cry. I nearly did haha

Now to cross my fingers they can fit in with my timetable – that depends on if the clients agree to it. Please be kind clients.

Good poits

My friend Adam

Yesterday I talked on the phone for two and a half hours with my friend, Adam. This from a guy who, at his worst, avoids the phone like crazy, doesn’t answer the door when people knock and keep all the blinds closed. So obviously, he needed to talk.

I met Adam years ago through my then boyfriend (I think). He is from Castlemaine, but lives in Bendigo now, and a more typical Aussie bloke you will not find! Loves a beer. Too much. At present I would say he is an alcoholic. I think he knows this. He talked about drinking a slab then going to hospital for a rehab stint. He has never done a withdrawal program, but his cousin has. Twice.

Being so far away from him is quite painful – especially when he is like this. He lives alone, is separated with two kids, struggling financially. He has just done a 12 months period with no licence after being caught drink drinking. I think he has figured out that we are both going through similar things with anxiety and depression and is reaching out to me. Yesterday we talked about how really, only people who have experienced this way of living (existing) can understand. We have mutual friends who make all the right noises, say all the right things, but really, they don’t get it when we hate doing things out the front of the house in case we see people, people see us or god forbid! – people talk to us. Adam hates mowing the front lawn, I always take my bins out and back in when it’s dark haha I think we had a good 30 minutes on this topic. He loved it when I told him some days I do not leave the house – even if that means calling in sick – as I cannot be seen by people. Yes, some days my self-esteem and confidence is that low. He does the same thing – it made him happy to know he isn’t alone. We then discussed the guilt – the financial guilt – that sets in afterwards and eats you up for not fulfilling your responsibilities. Ahhh the laughs we had talking about the shite we do.

Adam told me how he used to be called Smiley by his workmates. And he really did used to be. He was one of the most happy-go-lucky guys you’d ever meet. Now he is smiley, but it’s just that fake one. That ‘I’m ok’ smile. You know the one. I told him how when I genuinely smile or laugh nowadays, it feels weird, foreign. I am not used to it. I am used to fake and forced smiles and laughs. How fucking sad is that?! There was another good 30 minutes worth of discussion and reflection.

It was a devastating, yet therapeutic phone call. He realised he is not alone in this shit. I heard from him how bad things are/have been/could be. We discussed some things that has been worrying him. He is trying to keep his house, but told not to show up for work for two weeks as there is none! His ex is a pig bitch from hell who makes every second of contact between him and his kids as painful and difficult as possible. He fights with his Dad, who has remarried since his mum died suddenly a few years back. It’s all too much. It’s not fair. Why do good people suffer this?

He also mentioned he had been drinking since 8am.

I wish I was closer. I like to think I could help more.

Current dilemma

So I tutor. Students. After school and on Saturdays. I was contacted by a tutoring company, offered a job and given clients. I am classified as a ‘subcontractor’. I get a flat $30 an hour, but looking on their website, some clients pay $70 an hour for their tutoring session!

I was told they will OFFER me clients up to 45 minutes away from home. I have been GIVEN students – not OFFERED. I have to claim petrol etc. I travel 30/40 minutes for some jobs. I hate travelling.

From about six pays, two have been messed up. To be fair, not entirely their fault, but still.

I don’t really like the people who hired me – they seem a bit ‘dodgy’ almost. I’m not sure why I think this. I have nothing substantial to back this up. Just a gut feeling. You know?

After this happened, I advertised and got some private clients. Closer to me, which I charge more money for.

Consequently I am a bit overloaded with clients, casual teaching and university and so what Im wondering, is why I feel unable to tell them I want to drop the furtherest away clients. I have no contract that says I have to stay. I think it is my own fear of being judged by them and my desire to want to do good by everyone else.

I really really really just want to be selfish, do good for ME and be more ruthless in looking after myself, without the after feelings of guilt and feeling like I have let people down.

I started reflecting on this and how it seems to happen a lot. I have managed to work myself up into a real state over it. I hate feeling trapped and stuck – if I stay with my company clients, I am doing the ‘right’ thing by the company – who, lets be honest, I don’t really owe anything to. More importantly, I am also letting the children and their parents down. But if I ask to drop some clients, I feel guilty that I have let them down and what will they think of me? I cant seem to win. I feel shit whichever route I decide to take.

I do this far too often – I have decisions to make and either alternative will end up making me feel horrible. Am I being too nice? Is this normal? Do people have this dilemma running through their heads every time they need to make a decision?

I emailed them earlier and explained my thoughts. They rang me. I didn’t answer. I’m currently debating whether I can be bothered in dealing with it today or wait until tomorrow. If I wait, it will sit with me all night. I’m already feeling sick and angry at the world. Grrrrrr

Do I ring them back and be assertive and strong and just say, ‘too bad. Im dropping those clients’. More than likely, I will ring them back and allow them to talk me into keeping things as they are and have no time for my private clients :-/ Yes, that seems the likely scenario.

Fuck.

Any advice?