Tag Archives: emotional

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Walls

So I have walls. Emotional blockages keeping you out. Keeping you at arms length.

I’m not sure why really. To avoid any inevitable pain and hurt is probably the main culprit. I’m just emotionally stunted perhaps. I’ve tried psychoanalysing – to a degree.

It’s not something I want to keep as part of me, so I am slowly trying to remove the walls, bit by bit, here and there. Letting in a select few. Trying to not spook and freak out when I do let the walls down. It’s hard though. But then again I guess all things that will benefit you are hard to do, eh?!

I struggle with giving any of myself, giving personal information, sharing anything deep, selfies! Haha The vulnerability is palpable! I feel so exposed.

But I will keep persevering 🙂 Keep an eye out for any cracks or lack of wall that you may come across. And please, be gentle with me!