Tag Archives: Health

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.

 

Hindsight

I made a decision a few weeks back. I agreed to a work the term, teaching full time. 4 weeks in grade 6 and then 6 weeks in grade 4. I hadn’t worked for a few days and was a bit stressed about the finances and feeling guilty. They knew exactly when to ask me for maximum agreeableness. Grrrr

In hindsight, I wish I had thought a bit longer about this and chose not to agree to it.

Why can’t I make good and right decisions lately? Just one would suffice. Really.

Insert annoyed face here.

I’ve been transported, emotionally and mentally, back to before I quit my full time job. The fatigue, the annoyances at the institution, the general dislike and hate and anxiety. Yes, I hate full time teaching – give me back my casual work please!!

The kids are fine, usually, it’s the rest of the job that shits me to tears. Planning, dealing with parents, becoming involved in the school. All I want to do is walk in, do my job, walk out and be left alone. Bah!

I only have 7 more weeks to get through, then please, remind never to agree to blocks of work again. 7 weeks. I can do it. I think. I hope.

I was going to attempt to study my last (and hardest) uni subject – Research Methods B – while working, but I have decided to postpone it until next trimester, when I can give it my full attention. I think I need a result of 70% for this unit to continue on and do 4th year psychology, so I will really really really need to grasp the learning objectives and understand the concepts properly! Ugh! May die.

It’s nice not getting the guilt about not keeping up with study though haha Im enjoying reading books for pleasure, not texts for study. I just hope this little break will not make it extra difficult to go back to study.

And of course, life wouldn’t be complete without regular bouts of my ‘am I doing the right thing’ anxieties. Some days are bad – I actually wake up full of doubts and stress, bordering on panic. What if I hate this path as much as teaching? It has taken so much of me to get to here, I definitely do not want to find myself back to square one and have to start all over again. Not sure I could do that.

So this is my life. Working. Hating it. Coming home with a headache every day. Yes. Every fucking day. My mind and body is going to make me pay for this rash decision.

Hindsight, eh?!

Health

I have had a headache for three days now. It is annoying to say the least.

I’m not too worried about it – I tend to get a lot of them and was told as a child they are in the family. The fact that Dad had an inoperable brain tumour niggles at me, but not too any great extent.

I think at the moment I am just extremely unhealthy. Compared to where I was. I have always had to work hard to have a proper diet. And to exercise to keep healthy. I was there, I had it all pretty much under control. But the last 3 or 4 weeks I have allowed it all to unravel. I have stopped seeing my PT, have not been to the gym for 3+ weeks, have started eating copious amounts of sugar again and other crappy food and given away all my healthy food meals and habits such as eating breakfast and drinking 2 litres of water each day. I also tend to get dragged down into other unhealthy compensatory behaviours which I am not prepared to go into here and now.

I am more than peeved with myself.

And of course since the physical wellbeing is sinking, so is the mental wellbeing. Gah! Cant win :/

I blame work. I do not handle work well. It simply exhausts me. I know, I know, we all have to work and we all feel the same way. It is clearly something I need to work on – managing tiredness and making time for exercise and proper food preparation. I have started back at university now, as mentioned in my previous post, so work will be reducing work again soon. I guess now I have to re-balance a healthy lifestyle and re-set my goals and priorities.

It’s so funny. I know how good I feel when everything is going how it should be – the right food makes me feel good. Yet I cannot stop shoving anything and everything down my throat, despite not even feeling hungry! Crazy.

Blah blah blah I just need to suck it up and do it, eh!

I still have the headache :/

I’m over here!!

Yes, I’m still here. Still alive. Just lazy and slack. I guess, also, preoccupied with university the last couple weeks, which is NOW COMPLETE! Well, until next trimester in two weeks, anyway.

I had three exams this week and one last Friday. Two I am confident with (helps when I received pretty good marks for the assignment sections of the subjects) and two will be touch and go. I have accepted I may need to repeat a subject – Research Methods A. That could very well be a good thing as I need to go on and do Research Methods B and what good is doing the more advanced stuff when you do not even have a good grasp of the easier stuff?! Gah! Craziness. Anyone who has ever had to deal with ANOVA, regressions, type I and II errors and t and z values knows what I am talking about :/ Anyhooooo….cross everything for me please!!!

So now that I have some uni free time, I guess I better do some actual paid work the next few weeks until I am back into it. I have told the teaching agency I can work full-time starting Monday, so we shall see how that goes. I haven’t worked in quite a few weeks. I may have forgotten how that goes hahha

I am having back and hip issues which are frustrating me no end! A couple of visits to the osteo and remedial masseuse have done nothing. It’s probably close to a month now and is really getting me down – being in pain so often is not fun :/ Some days I am okay, I can run and train. But other days I can barely walk. So so so so not ideal. I’m told my pelvis is doing weird shit. I don’t care, please just fix me. And It’s getting quite expensive financially and mentally to tell the truth. My nurse girlfriends told me to see a GP and get x-rays – should that be my next move? I’m not a person who has a lot of physical injuries so I am really struggling with it. Today I shall stay in comfy yoga pants, on the couch, and rest it all. Heat pack included! And maybe some choccy if I can rustle it up!

I had a nice girl’s night out last night. Beautiful lamb backstrap and a simple salad. And I even indulged in a flourless choccy cake – let’s call it a finished exams treat!! Haha It’s quite good for the soul to eat and chat. As much as I was feeling flat and sore and yuck, I did enjoy it and look forward to our next date.

I guess that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have been quite insular lately, living in my own little bubble, dealing with the stress of exams. The house is a mess, I feel I have neglected people and social media haha The last thing not necessarily a bad thing really. I have about three loads of washing to do today and many many many cat hairs to vacuum up and dust to dust away!! Not sure if today is the day though – it will still be there tomorrow, yeah?

I need a maid. And a cook.

Ciao 🙂

A mash-up

I feel like writing, so I figure I shall summarise my life and thoughts at the moment. I have a dedicated blog post in mind regarding my Dad, but just not ready to attack it and relive it today.

So you’re stuck with rambling thoughts, boring every day business and anything else that comes to my mind.

I’m watching Fight Club at the moment. It’s a classic. I do so love Edward Norton. Ever since I saw him play the character with multiple personality disorder in that murder movie. Can’t recall the name right now – he was an alter boy when he killed a priest for sexually abusing him and others.

I’ve been thinking about ‘friends’ a bit lately. The real people not that idiotic TV show. Those who come into your life for a reason and those who come into it for a season etc. I am very bad with trusting and things that have happened with people I have recently met have not really helped that matter. I tend to keep people at arm’s length, which I know is not healthy. But I am aware of it. And I think that awareness allows me to work on my trust/acceptance issues. That’s another thing – acceptance. I tend to not accept people on face value I think they have an ulterior motive or something stupid like that and there is another reason that leads me to keeping people away. It’s almost like I expect people to prove themselves to me. But reflecting on that, it’s like I then refuse to accept that proof once its complete.

I have many flaws and weaknesses as you can see! Haha Some I can deal with, others I despise.

On the other hand, I have met some lovely people online lately, who make me feel really good about myself. It’s great to have banter with people, where you just feel accepted. And not judged. I do feel judged by some, but I guess the relationship I have with them is very superficial – not meaningful, not true. They don’t get all of me, whereas the people who have gone through shit or are just genuinely nice people, get more of me, the true me. Poor things! lol

I know I get far too emotionally involved. It’s the fucking bane of my existence. I need to stop that shit ASAP. I find that attempting to not care kind of works haha Put up that brick wall. Don’t let anyone in. Again, unhealthy. But people keep proving what arsehats they are, over and over and over again. I get sick of dealing with it. People who come across as sweet and nice and caring then wham! They show their true colours. And I end up overthinking, losing (more) sleep and generally feeling like hell.

I’ve gone and got myself a personal trainer! I needed help with a weights program. I’m pretty good with cardio but clueless with weights. And I don’t push myself when alone as hard as I do with her. I’ve only had two sessions – a fitness test and one upper body training session, but WOW! I told her I wanted to hurt the day after, and two days later I still hurt!! I like it. Love the burn!! I need to start taking better care of myself. I think I self-abuse at times, through purposely eating rubbish and not being healthy. But I am actually enjoying trying to eat better and taking time for myself to exercise. It clears my head and releases those magical endorphins!!

I’ve successfully avoided university this week! Haha I had an assignment due on sunday which is complete so I feel like I deserve a break! It was a slow week tutorial wise – only two out of four – so only two I need to catch up on at some stage. I have to do a group presentation next wednesday. Fuck I hate group presentations. There are five people in our group, with only regular contact from three of us :/ I have no idea why they force this hell on us!?

It’s Christmas. It’s busy. I’m over it already. No more shopping at shopping centres until well into January. Luckily I don’t have to buy any chrissy presents. Well, probably only one, at some stage, for my BFF. He is sooooo hard to buy for :/ He wants me to go shopping with him in the city tomorrow. I think I will politely decline. Can you imagine the mayhem?! I will start shooting. I’m sure of it. My close circle of friends are having a chrissy BBQ on Sunday. I should have a decent tipple. I need a crazy night. Problem is one will have to work the next day and the others all have kids. Which obviously means no more fun, ever! 🙂 lol Meh.

Hmmmmm Im hungry. I will leave it there.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Mental Health

I have been thinking a lot about mental health this year. It has never really been on my radar to be honest. I have not experienced it. Not known anyone with it. It had not penetrated my naive, closed-in little world.

Until two things happened.

I had my little anxiety career hiccup thingy (see previous post) and I joined twitter and met some very amazing and wonderful people who deal with it on a daily basis, either managing it, attempting to manage it or helping others manage it.

I was referred to a counsellor by my GP at the start of the year to rule out depression. She reiterated a number of times that there is nothing wrong with getting external help when required, despite there being a stigma attached to it. It got me thinking about how its sad that she had to “sell” it to me this way. Do most people feel ashamed, embarrassed, weak when its suggested they see a counsellor or psychologist? I guess so, if GP’s need to approach their referrals in this manner.

So that happened. I had 6 sessions. Nothing special to note. I have anxiety issues – nothing I didn’t already know. Im not sure it was for me. But its there. If I ever need it again.

The other thing, as mentioned, that got me thinking about mental illness was joining twitter and meeting new people. Im not going to go into specifics, as its not my place. I just want to chat a little about the impact it has had on me.

I have been sheltered from mental illness. Grew up in a small country town, not many people, all good country folk. I guess if there was any mental health issues around, they would have been swept under the rug. But a whole new world opened up. Of course there were touching stories. And of course I wanted to help. But of course, Im no professional. I felt out of my depth. I was stressed. I felt helpless and hopeless, feeling sad for myself and my situation but wanting to support others, who were dealing with issues 1000x worse than my little identity crisis. All I could do was offer an ear. And in a way, it helped me, as it took my mind off my own issues! Haha

Both of these events have had major impacts on my life this year and have definitely piqued my interest. In a way, they’ve led to my return to study and choosing psychology as a path to follow. Well, for now, anyway.

I am not going to ramble on about this all day. It is just an interest in my life at the moment and something which I have so much to learn about and how to deal with. Full admiration goes to anyone dealing with this, in any way, shape or form.

To be continued…..