Tag Archives: life

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

10 Things

I don’t have time to write a proper, detailed post right now, so I will give you 10 quick things (however boring and mundane they seem) that are going on with me at the moment.

  1. I have enrolled in my final Grad Dip in Psych subject to finish over the Christmas holidays and hopefully then apply and be accepted into Honours next year.
  2. I haven’t taught much in the last two weeks as my anxiety (and laziness?) has got the better of me and now I’m short on money.
  3. I went to the hairdressers today for a much needed cut and colour after cancelling an appointment last week, as I couldn’t bare to stare at myself in the mirror for 2+ hours.
  4. I’m going out for dinner on Saturday night with the girls and as much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m also not looking forward to it.
  5. The cat has been in a mood the last couple of days as he wants to go outside but it is too cold for him and apparently that is my fault.
  6. I am eating far too much McDonald’s and things are getting dire so I need to stop that right now (or soon).
  7. I am still wandering through life with no real direction and am consequently investigating even more possible career paths, including writing and speech pathology, however I feel writing is more of a pass-time or hobby as opposed to a money-making venture.
  8. My eyes are hurting with my contact lenses in and I’m considering buying a nice, new pair of frames to wear all the time, but I hate driving in glasses.
  9. I’m dreading the warmer weather as I never feel comfortable with myself at this time of the year – physically or mentally.
  10. I’ve been drinking tea lately – Irish breakfast – and cannot remember the last time I had a cup of coffee.

Walls

So I have walls. Emotional blockages keeping you out. Keeping you at arms length.

I’m not sure why really. To avoid any inevitable pain and hurt is probably the main culprit. I’m just emotionally stunted perhaps. I’ve tried psychoanalysing – to a degree.

It’s not something I want to keep as part of me, so I am slowly trying to remove the walls, bit by bit, here and there. Letting in a select few. Trying to not spook and freak out when I do let the walls down. It’s hard though. But then again I guess all things that will benefit you are hard to do, eh?!

I struggle with giving any of myself, giving personal information, sharing anything deep, selfies! Haha The vulnerability is palpable! I feel so exposed.

But I will keep persevering 🙂 Keep an eye out for any cracks or lack of wall that you may come across. And please, be gentle with me!

 

Hindsight

I made a decision a few weeks back. I agreed to a work the term, teaching full time. 4 weeks in grade 6 and then 6 weeks in grade 4. I hadn’t worked for a few days and was a bit stressed about the finances and feeling guilty. They knew exactly when to ask me for maximum agreeableness. Grrrr

In hindsight, I wish I had thought a bit longer about this and chose not to agree to it.

Why can’t I make good and right decisions lately? Just one would suffice. Really.

Insert annoyed face here.

I’ve been transported, emotionally and mentally, back to before I quit my full time job. The fatigue, the annoyances at the institution, the general dislike and hate and anxiety. Yes, I hate full time teaching – give me back my casual work please!!

The kids are fine, usually, it’s the rest of the job that shits me to tears. Planning, dealing with parents, becoming involved in the school. All I want to do is walk in, do my job, walk out and be left alone. Bah!

I only have 7 more weeks to get through, then please, remind never to agree to blocks of work again. 7 weeks. I can do it. I think. I hope.

I was going to attempt to study my last (and hardest) uni subject – Research Methods B – while working, but I have decided to postpone it until next trimester, when I can give it my full attention. I think I need a result of 70% for this unit to continue on and do 4th year psychology, so I will really really really need to grasp the learning objectives and understand the concepts properly! Ugh! May die.

It’s nice not getting the guilt about not keeping up with study though haha Im enjoying reading books for pleasure, not texts for study. I just hope this little break will not make it extra difficult to go back to study.

And of course, life wouldn’t be complete without regular bouts of my ‘am I doing the right thing’ anxieties. Some days are bad – I actually wake up full of doubts and stress, bordering on panic. What if I hate this path as much as teaching? It has taken so much of me to get to here, I definitely do not want to find myself back to square one and have to start all over again. Not sure I could do that.

So this is my life. Working. Hating it. Coming home with a headache every day. Yes. Every fucking day. My mind and body is going to make me pay for this rash decision.

Hindsight, eh?!

Memories

I feel like writing something tonight. Although nothing in particular I can think of.

So in the spirit of learning all about ‘Memory‘ in my Understanding the Mind subject, I have decided to write down some of the poignant memories that have stuck with me throughout life. You know the ones – the ones that just stick. The ones that clearly have a deep connection to your psyche. The might be false memories, I’m not sure, but memories all the same!

In no particular order….

I remember an ex blocking me in, with his body, to hear an important answering machine message. He didn’t want me to run away and knew I had to hear it. It was Dad letting me know that my Nanna had passed away.

I remember two of my loveliest boys having a BigMac fight in the hallway of a rental house in Bendigo in my undergraduate university days. It was after a drunken night out. They ended up rolling around in the filth! Love.

I remember falling in the pool when I was little. Mum and I were sitting on the side and I toppled in. Mum didn’t swim, so she simply reached in and pulled me back up by my long hair! Yup, A+ parenting right there.

I remember Mum asking me to stay with her one night, when Dad was in hospital. She said “Dad told me not to let you leave”. Of course being a bitch, selfish young adult, I left to be with my then boyfriend. Hind sight, eh?

I remember admitting to Mum when I smoked. She had forgotten to bring her cigarettes with her and I casually offered her one of mine. She accepted. and told me to stop. Haha But in the spirit of not being hypocritical, she really couldn’t give me too much of a lecture. Filthy habit. I’ve stopped now.

I remember driving 2+ hours to be with my Dad after I got a phone call saying he had been taken to hospital with a suspected stroke (turned out to be a brain tumour, but anyway). That was the most disgusting drive of my life. Not knowing if he was dead or alive. I do not recommend that to anyone. Physical distance can be horrid. I have a friend who was holidaying in the UK when his mum died. Can you imagine coming back from London after getting that news. Would be shattering.

I remember Easter mornings at home. Easter Bunny would hide mini eggs all over the house. I would find them then insist Mum hide them again for the next 5 hours. Over and over and over again. I was a bored, only child haha

I remember my cousin taking me on outings when I was little. I am an only child, as mentioned, and she was like a big sister. I loved getting out of the place to be with her. She would take me for ice-cream at Ollies Trollies – remember that place??

I remember never getting invited to weddings as a child. I was the baby cousin on both sides of my family, and consequently never got to do anything fun! I hated being left out.

I remember visiting Sydney with my bff and then boyfriend. I have relatives there. They showed us around and took us to King’s Cross where we saw a bloke spewing into a rubbish bin on the street! We also saw where Nicole and Tom lived. Class. NSW is all class.

I remember my first kiss. It literally made me dizzy. I could not see straight! It was on the dance floor of a nightclub with a long time friend who I had become closer and closer to. He was my first everything, but not sure if he was my first love. I’m not sure I have ever been in love.

Ahhhh TMI??

I think I may need to do a two part blog post. So many memories swirling now. And the associated emotions. Not sure I want them at the moment.

Thanks for listening. Well, reading.

 

 

I’m over here!!

Yes, I’m still here. Still alive. Just lazy and slack. I guess, also, preoccupied with university the last couple weeks, which is NOW COMPLETE! Well, until next trimester in two weeks, anyway.

I had three exams this week and one last Friday. Two I am confident with (helps when I received pretty good marks for the assignment sections of the subjects) and two will be touch and go. I have accepted I may need to repeat a subject – Research Methods A. That could very well be a good thing as I need to go on and do Research Methods B and what good is doing the more advanced stuff when you do not even have a good grasp of the easier stuff?! Gah! Craziness. Anyone who has ever had to deal with ANOVA, regressions, type I and II errors and t and z values knows what I am talking about :/ Anyhooooo….cross everything for me please!!!

So now that I have some uni free time, I guess I better do some actual paid work the next few weeks until I am back into it. I have told the teaching agency I can work full-time starting Monday, so we shall see how that goes. I haven’t worked in quite a few weeks. I may have forgotten how that goes hahha

I am having back and hip issues which are frustrating me no end! A couple of visits to the osteo and remedial masseuse have done nothing. It’s probably close to a month now and is really getting me down – being in pain so often is not fun :/ Some days I am okay, I can run and train. But other days I can barely walk. So so so so not ideal. I’m told my pelvis is doing weird shit. I don’t care, please just fix me. And It’s getting quite expensive financially and mentally to tell the truth. My nurse girlfriends told me to see a GP and get x-rays – should that be my next move? I’m not a person who has a lot of physical injuries so I am really struggling with it. Today I shall stay in comfy yoga pants, on the couch, and rest it all. Heat pack included! And maybe some choccy if I can rustle it up!

I had a nice girl’s night out last night. Beautiful lamb backstrap and a simple salad. And I even indulged in a flourless choccy cake – let’s call it a finished exams treat!! Haha It’s quite good for the soul to eat and chat. As much as I was feeling flat and sore and yuck, I did enjoy it and look forward to our next date.

I guess that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have been quite insular lately, living in my own little bubble, dealing with the stress of exams. The house is a mess, I feel I have neglected people and social media haha The last thing not necessarily a bad thing really. I have about three loads of washing to do today and many many many cat hairs to vacuum up and dust to dust away!! Not sure if today is the day though – it will still be there tomorrow, yeah?

I need a maid. And a cook.

Ciao 🙂