Tag Archives: lost

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Catching up

Well, well, well. I have been slack haven’t I?

I do not even know where to start. I have a swirling mind full of things, in no discernible order or sequence.

I’m back to just floating, job-wise and study-wise. I withdrew from my final psychology subject – and then, of course, the very next day I received an offer of honours based on successful completion of said subject :/ Meh is my only response to that. I might go back to psychology one day. I figure if I can get an honours offer once, I can do it again. Yes? That makes sense, right? But the hurdle after 4th year is Masters etc, which I would have no hope of gaining entry to with my current marks. We shall see.

In the meantime, I had applied to, and was accepted to do a counselling course at Deakin. It runs after hours and part time. Not ideal. Not even sure I will do that yet. I just don’t know. I’m also toying with social work and speech pathology.

Im tutoring and casual teaching. Not loving it. It’s just my means of income.

I have the largest urge to run away again. If I didn’t have Murphy, I would be in London right now. Or travelling there. I just want out and away – the other side of the world seems ideal. In front of an open fire or walking along the Thames, drinking coffee and wandering with strangers.

As you can see, I’m a flight type personality haha Fleeing and burying my head in the sand is what I do well.

Floating. Waiting for a sign, the way, just something. I guess it’s probably the worst way I can handle things, and should be proactive, but I just can’t bring myself to at the moment. I wish I had a fairy godmother to guide my way. Fix my lost. Guide me.

And of course this time of year brings out all the feels. I could happily sleep until new years. I’m just feeling lonely I think, which is not normally an issue I have to deal with. I can handle my own company. Maybe I’m ready to not be alone…gasp!! Find that person who I can relate to, who can relate to me and ‘who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.’ I love Girls 🙂 So much relatable!!

Maybe 2015 will be the year I escape my demons, my ex and get myself out there and meeting new people and looking. And possibly finding. Possibly 🙂

Get through. That is my current motto. Just get through.

I have returned to the gym! Yay me. It helps the mind I think. The mind and the body. My ass is looking better and less saggy!! Haha Booyah!! I guess this is helping the self issues. All the goddamn self issues!

I think I really need to start using this as a regular outlet – like I said, plenty of swirly things happening in my head. The extra, really lost sensation has returned and getting it all out and writing it down might help me make some sense. Find a direction, a path, a way.

I can’t keep going like this – the end point will not be pretty. It’s all very well to take time out to figure shit, but there comes a point – usually financial – where decisions have to be made. I’ve been very indulgent with my life of late and need to decide on things, one way or another.

 

Personal Identity

I was sitting at work yesterday. In my little bubble. Feeling disconnected from everything around me. Just floating. I’m a teacher, for those catching up. Doing casual relief work while completing a Grad Dip in Psychology at university.

And it suddenly dawned on me that I hated being there. It was then I further realised that I am definitely not a teacher anymore! I have moved away from that profession and I’ve started my transition to a new one. It shocked me a little. I felt lost. Like I was nothing and no one. I was in limbo. I realised that my whole identity had been tied to my career – I was a teacher. Nothing else. That was how I defined myself, albeit subconsciously. I tried to think of what I was now. I’m a student. But it didn’t feel like a good ‘fit’ as a mature aged student. I’ve been a ‘real’ student, at the appropriate time in one’s life. I guess nowadays there is no ‘appropriate’ time to be a student, but for some reason I identify with the student time being straight from high school, or a year or two out. If that makes sense……

I need to sit down and redefine myself. Or just remain in limbo until I sort out this career stuff. That might be the better route. For now.  Its a bit scary and confronting. I had no idea I had so much of ‘me’ tied to my job. Not healthy.

At present, I’ve been learning about social development and identity formation in children and adolescents in one of my uni subjects. It has really resonated with me. I can see the need to adequately form an identity at that age and move forward with life. I will have to do some further leaning, but I’m wondering if I didn’t forge my personal identity when I was younger for one reason or another – is that why I’m having these issues now? I look at Erikson’s psychosocial stages and there are a few I’m not sure I have passed through. For those of you who are aware of Erikson, you’ll know what I’m on about. For those of you who have no idea, he is a theorist who believes we all have stages we pass through in our lives and obstacles to overcome in each stage in order to resolve that stage and move on to the next. The stage I’m referring to is identity versus role confusion, which typically occurs 13-19 years of age. This then leads on into the next stage of intimacy versus isolation. We tend to pass through each stage independently and at our own time but there are a lot of factors influencing the successful progression. If one stage is missed or not resolved, this can lead to issues and problems in the next stage.

Perhaps Im just fucked hahaha Overthinking entirely too much. But at least I’m thinking I suppose.

But anyway, the journey continues. Ugh. I hate the word journey. Can someone come up with a suggestion for my ‘journey’ – I need a new name to call it.