Tag Archives: stress

Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

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Hindsight

I made a decision a few weeks back. I agreed to a work the term, teaching full time. 4 weeks in grade 6 and then 6 weeks in grade 4. I hadn’t worked for a few days and was a bit stressed about the finances and feeling guilty. They knew exactly when to ask me for maximum agreeableness. Grrrr

In hindsight, I wish I had thought a bit longer about this and chose not to agree to it.

Why can’t I make good and right decisions lately? Just one would suffice. Really.

Insert annoyed face here.

I’ve been transported, emotionally and mentally, back to before I quit my full time job. The fatigue, the annoyances at the institution, the general dislike and hate and anxiety. Yes, I hate full time teaching – give me back my casual work please!!

The kids are fine, usually, it’s the rest of the job that shits me to tears. Planning, dealing with parents, becoming involved in the school. All I want to do is walk in, do my job, walk out and be left alone. Bah!

I only have 7 more weeks to get through, then please, remind never to agree to blocks of work again. 7 weeks. I can do it. I think. I hope.

I was going to attempt to study my last (and hardest) uni subject – Research Methods B – while working, but I have decided to postpone it until next trimester, when I can give it my full attention. I think I need a result of 70% for this unit to continue on and do 4th year psychology, so I will really┬áreally really need to grasp the learning objectives and understand the concepts properly! Ugh! May die.

It’s nice not getting the guilt about not keeping up with study though haha Im enjoying reading books for pleasure, not texts for study. I just hope this little break will not make it extra difficult to go back to study.

And of course, life wouldn’t be complete without regular bouts of my ‘am I doing the right thing’ anxieties. Some days are bad – I actually wake up full of doubts and stress, bordering on panic. What if I hate this path as much as teaching? It has taken so much of me to get to here, I definitely do not want to find myself back to square one and have to start all over again. Not sure I could do that.

So this is my life. Working. Hating it. Coming home with a headache every day. Yes. Every fucking day. My mind and body is going to make me pay for this rash decision.

Hindsight, eh?!

Health

I have had a headache for three days now. It is annoying to say the least.

I’m not too worried about it – I tend to get a lot of them and was told as a child they are in the family. The fact that Dad had an inoperable brain tumour niggles at me, but not too any great extent.

I think at the moment I am just extremely unhealthy. Compared to where I was. I have always had to work hard to have a proper diet. And to exercise to keep healthy. I was there, I had it all pretty much under control. But the last 3 or 4 weeks I have allowed it all to unravel. I have stopped seeing my PT, have not been to the gym for 3+ weeks, have started eating copious amounts of sugar again and other crappy food and given away all my healthy food meals and habits such as eating breakfast and drinking 2 litres of water each day. I also tend to get dragged down into other unhealthy compensatory behaviours which I am not prepared to go into here and now.

I am more than peeved with myself.

And of course since the physical wellbeing is sinking, so is the mental wellbeing. Gah! Cant win :/

I blame work. I do not handle work well. It simply exhausts me. I know, I know, we all have to work and we all feel the same way. It is clearly something I need to work on – managing tiredness and making time for exercise and proper food preparation. I have started back at university now, as mentioned in my previous post, so work will be reducing work again soon. I guess now I have to re-balance a healthy lifestyle and re-set my goals and priorities.

It’s so funny. I know how good I feel when everything is going how it should be – the right food makes me feel good. Yet I cannot stop shoving anything and everything down my throat, despite not even feeling hungry! Crazy.

Blah blah blah I just need to suck it up and do it, eh!

I still have the headache :/

Bad student

Why is is that I am always such a bad student? I think it started after I left high school. I was always pretty good in primary school, then I followed through with quite good habits in high school. But after that, somewhere, is when it all comes undone.

I leave things until the very last minute – case in point, I have two major assignments due next week and have starter neither. If I started early, I would have more time to research and perhaps produce a better standard. I know this. Yet time and time again I leave it and leave it and leave it. I procrastinate – I clean, I exercise, I shop, I socialise (online and off), and I blog :/. Its just dreadful! Yet I continually perpetuate this vicious circle. I’m actually catching up on listening to lectures and doing coursework, which I’m behind in as well, in order to put off starting the assignments.

And to make matters worse, when I display this lazy, procrastinating behaviour, my guilt manifests itself into insomnia! Gah! I have been sleeping so badly lately, which in turn makes me feel drained and lethargic and then I have a great excuse to not do any university work. See?! I’m not sure if my mind sucks or it shows superb mastery in getting what it wants – for me to sit on my arse all day and be super unproductive.

I’m trying to talk myself into just getting them done. To see things differently – these are pretty much my last two major assignments and then the units are done!! (Apart from exams – boooooo). I’m trying to use that as a motivating factor. It may work tomorrow haha

But reflecting on all this, I guess it’s not just student related work I am terrible with. As a school teacher I used to always leave writing reports until the last minute. If I had any documentation to complete, such as policy writing, annual performance and development documenting or external agency referrals and recommendations, I would also leave that until the last possible moment. An I got to the stage where I didn’t even have daily plans written out. I knew what I was going to teach, why do I need to spend time writing it all down in great detail?! (I guess because a teacher’s planning document is actually a legal document would be a good response to that question haha

Lazy. That is also a factor. Im lazy.

And I need to be in a study mood.

Stupid thing is, I am enjoying the subject matter. I like the course. I just cannot seem to get ahead with the work. Meh. I need to be better haha The panic and guilt eats away at me.

Commmeeeee onnnnnnnn!!! Just do it!!!!!

My Mind

Im writing this to distract myself.

I didn’t sleep well last night and have felt anxious and awkward and just generally blah since getting up. I went to the supermarket. Couldn’t settle. I then went to Fountain Gate to kill some time. Felt like I was being stared at so came home. Still couldn’t settle. So now Im just trying the usual housework, telly, vague house wandering, social media etc. to distract my overactive mind and keep the anxious and stressy thoughts and feelings at bay.

The key is keeping busy I guess. But sometimes not even that helps. I would love a switch for my mind. On. Off. Perfect.

The thoughts and feelings take many shapes and forms. Feelings of worthlessness, feeling I wouldn’t be missed, guilt – about everything, wondering if I will ever be content, successful. Financial thoughts and worries crop up. Then there is the comparing to others – their lives, their looks, their personalities. I could end up sad, angry, jealous, melancholy, or just plain flat – experiencing all of the above. Reliving the past might occur – what I could have changed, done differently. Thinking of those people who are no longer with me, missing them, regretting things, ruing things. I try not to think of the future – that never ends well. Its too unclear and I cannot find a path that settles me. As yet. Hopefully I can get some focus and clarity regarding that aspect soon.

I just hope for the day to pass quickly. So I can go to bed and start a new day tomorrow. Not a nice feeling wishing the day away, but luckily its not every day I feel like this.