Tag Archives: Work

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Things

I don’t have time to write a proper, detailed post right now, so I will give you 10 quick things (however boring and mundane they seem) that are going on with me at the moment.

  1. I have enrolled in my final Grad Dip in Psych subject to finish over the Christmas holidays and hopefully then apply and be accepted into Honours next year.
  2. I haven’t taught much in the last two weeks as my anxiety (and laziness?) has got the better of me and now I’m short on money.
  3. I went to the hairdressers today for a much needed cut and colour after cancelling an appointment last week, as I couldn’t bare to stare at myself in the mirror for 2+ hours.
  4. I’m going out for dinner on Saturday night with the girls and as much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m also not looking forward to it.
  5. The cat has been in a mood the last couple of days as he wants to go outside but it is too cold for him and apparently that is my fault.
  6. I am eating far too much McDonald’s and things are getting dire so I need to stop that right now (or soon).
  7. I am still wandering through life with no real direction and am consequently investigating even more possible career paths, including writing and speech pathology, however I feel writing is more of a pass-time or hobby as opposed to a money-making venture.
  8. My eyes are hurting with my contact lenses in and I’m considering buying a nice, new pair of frames to wear all the time, but I hate driving in glasses.
  9. I’m dreading the warmer weather as I never feel comfortable with myself at this time of the year – physically or mentally.
  10. I’ve been drinking tea lately – Irish breakfast – and cannot remember the last time I had a cup of coffee.

Current dilemma

So I tutor. Students. After school and on Saturdays. I was contacted by a tutoring company, offered a job and given clients. I am classified as a ‘subcontractor’. I get a flat $30 an hour, but looking on their website, some clients pay $70 an hour for their tutoring session!

I was told they will OFFER me clients up to 45 minutes away from home. I have been GIVEN students – not OFFERED. I have to claim petrol etc. I travel 30/40 minutes for some jobs. I hate travelling.

From about six pays, two have been messed up. To be fair, not entirely their fault, but still.

I don’t really like the people who hired me – they seem a bit ‘dodgy’ almost. I’m not sure why I think this. I have nothing substantial to back this up. Just a gut feeling. You know?

After this happened, I advertised and got some private clients. Closer to me, which I charge more money for.

Consequently I am a bit overloaded with clients, casual teaching and university and so what Im wondering, is why I feel unable to tell them I want to drop the furtherest away clients. I have no contract that says I have to stay. I think it is my own fear of being judged by them and my desire to want to do good by everyone else.

I really really really just want to be selfish, do good for ME and be more ruthless in looking after myself, without the after feelings of guilt and feeling like I have let people down.

I started reflecting on this and how it seems to happen a lot. I have managed to work myself up into a real state over it. I hate feeling trapped and stuck – if I stay with my company clients, I am doing the ‘right’ thing by the company – who, lets be honest, I don’t really owe anything to. More importantly, I am also letting the children and their parents down. But if I ask to drop some clients, I feel guilty that I have let them down and what will they think of me? I cant seem to win. I feel shit whichever route I decide to take.

I do this far too often – I have decisions to make and either alternative will end up making me feel horrible. Am I being too nice? Is this normal? Do people have this dilemma running through their heads every time they need to make a decision?

I emailed them earlier and explained my thoughts. They rang me. I didn’t answer. I’m currently debating whether I can be bothered in dealing with it today or wait until tomorrow. If I wait, it will sit with me all night. I’m already feeling sick and angry at the world. Grrrrrr

Do I ring them back and be assertive and strong and just say, ‘too bad. Im dropping those clients’. More than likely, I will ring them back and allow them to talk me into keeping things as they are and have no time for my private clients :-/ Yes, that seems the likely scenario.

Fuck.

Any advice?

Hindsight

I made a decision a few weeks back. I agreed to a work the term, teaching full time. 4 weeks in grade 6 and then 6 weeks in grade 4. I hadn’t worked for a few days and was a bit stressed about the finances and feeling guilty. They knew exactly when to ask me for maximum agreeableness. Grrrr

In hindsight, I wish I had thought a bit longer about this and chose not to agree to it.

Why can’t I make good and right decisions lately? Just one would suffice. Really.

Insert annoyed face here.

I’ve been transported, emotionally and mentally, back to before I quit my full time job. The fatigue, the annoyances at the institution, the general dislike and hate and anxiety. Yes, I hate full time teaching – give me back my casual work please!!

The kids are fine, usually, it’s the rest of the job that shits me to tears. Planning, dealing with parents, becoming involved in the school. All I want to do is walk in, do my job, walk out and be left alone. Bah!

I only have 7 more weeks to get through, then please, remind never to agree to blocks of work again. 7 weeks. I can do it. I think. I hope.

I was going to attempt to study my last (and hardest) uni subject – Research Methods B – while working, but I have decided to postpone it until next trimester, when I can give it my full attention. I think I need a result of 70% for this unit to continue on and do 4th year psychology, so I will really really really need to grasp the learning objectives and understand the concepts properly! Ugh! May die.

It’s nice not getting the guilt about not keeping up with study though haha Im enjoying reading books for pleasure, not texts for study. I just hope this little break will not make it extra difficult to go back to study.

And of course, life wouldn’t be complete without regular bouts of my ‘am I doing the right thing’ anxieties. Some days are bad – I actually wake up full of doubts and stress, bordering on panic. What if I hate this path as much as teaching? It has taken so much of me to get to here, I definitely do not want to find myself back to square one and have to start all over again. Not sure I could do that.

So this is my life. Working. Hating it. Coming home with a headache every day. Yes. Every fucking day. My mind and body is going to make me pay for this rash decision.

Hindsight, eh?!

A quick check in!!

Yes, yes, yes. I know. I suck.

What’s the point of having a blog if I don’t blog.

Blah.

I’m still here. Still around. Still planning blog posts in my head. I just need the time to get them out 🙂

I have my last exam for the trimester tomorrow. It is bloody painful! Intro to Social Psych, I thought I would love you, but your wordy, jargony, theory and paradigm-heavy content is doing my head in! And a 120 question multiple exam cannot come and go quick enough! My other two were just 60 and 80 questions respectively. But noooooo, social psych needs to be all epic and shit.

Blah.

After 3pm tomorrow I can relax and be study guilt-free for a while.

I have agreed to work all of next term (I only have one subject to complete, and I may even defer it until trimester 3). I was asked during a time of financial guilt (I hadn’t worked in a few weeks, and was feeling the stress of no income) and agreed to do the job. It helps that I will be in two different grades – 6 and then 4. Keeps me as interested as I can be with teaching at the moment.

Anyhoo, that is life. In a nutshell.

It will get better. I promise 🙂

Passed!

Ugh. Im a bad blogger! So much to blog, so little time!

Quick update about university – I managed to somehow pass all of my four subjects from trimester 1! Yay me!! I was sure I had failed Research Methods A! And had resigned myself to repeating it. Miracles do happen and I somehow managed a 58% for it. So now I can look forward to Research Methods B. Give me strength!

I’m happy I passed. I would have liked better scores though, of course. I’ve always received pretty good marks, but I knew the exams would kill my overall grade. I do not function well with exam situations, but can write a decent assignment.

New subjects seem okay – social psych, personality and understanding the mind to go with the research methods B.

Still have no idea what I want to do when this grad dip is done – and it could potentially be done in 3 or 4 months!! I need to make an appointment with career counsellors on campus and see what I can do with it or what further study is available to me once completed.

Anyway, that is my life at the moment. That and work. I’ve been squishing in as much work as I can before I need to take time off again for study. Ugh, yeah, still do not like teaching – even casual teaching. So draining. Funny thing, I’ve come across a couple of ex-students I taught in prep!! One is now in grade 5 and the other in grade 6. Both are/were problem children, anger/behaviour/autism spectrum issues, but it’s pleasing to see them as older kids. One, who refused to speak apart from yelling at me, has actually been conversing with me and the other, who had regular tantrums when something didn’t go his way, has been able to control himself so well – especially when going out during games etc. That used to really set him off!! Looking back, I would say I was dealing with this kid having about 15 tantrums a day in prep! I do not know how we both survived haha

Footy is back. I am ecstatically happy. I am off to watch the Blues and Port right now.

I’m over here!!

Yes, I’m still here. Still alive. Just lazy and slack. I guess, also, preoccupied with university the last couple weeks, which is NOW COMPLETE! Well, until next trimester in two weeks, anyway.

I had three exams this week and one last Friday. Two I am confident with (helps when I received pretty good marks for the assignment sections of the subjects) and two will be touch and go. I have accepted I may need to repeat a subject – Research Methods A. That could very well be a good thing as I need to go on and do Research Methods B and what good is doing the more advanced stuff when you do not even have a good grasp of the easier stuff?! Gah! Craziness. Anyone who has ever had to deal with ANOVA, regressions, type I and II errors and t and z values knows what I am talking about :/ Anyhooooo….cross everything for me please!!!

So now that I have some uni free time, I guess I better do some actual paid work the next few weeks until I am back into it. I have told the teaching agency I can work full-time starting Monday, so we shall see how that goes. I haven’t worked in quite a few weeks. I may have forgotten how that goes hahha

I am having back and hip issues which are frustrating me no end! A couple of visits to the osteo and remedial masseuse have done nothing. It’s probably close to a month now and is really getting me down – being in pain so often is not fun :/ Some days I am okay, I can run and train. But other days I can barely walk. So so so so not ideal. I’m told my pelvis is doing weird shit. I don’t care, please just fix me. And It’s getting quite expensive financially and mentally to tell the truth. My nurse girlfriends told me to see a GP and get x-rays – should that be my next move? I’m not a person who has a lot of physical injuries so I am really struggling with it. Today I shall stay in comfy yoga pants, on the couch, and rest it all. Heat pack included! And maybe some choccy if I can rustle it up!

I had a nice girl’s night out last night. Beautiful lamb backstrap and a simple salad. And I even indulged in a flourless choccy cake – let’s call it a finished exams treat!! Haha It’s quite good for the soul to eat and chat. As much as I was feeling flat and sore and yuck, I did enjoy it and look forward to our next date.

I guess that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have been quite insular lately, living in my own little bubble, dealing with the stress of exams. The house is a mess, I feel I have neglected people and social media haha The last thing not necessarily a bad thing really. I have about three loads of washing to do today and many many many cat hairs to vacuum up and dust to dust away!! Not sure if today is the day though – it will still be there tomorrow, yeah?

I need a maid. And a cook.

Ciao 🙂