Festivus

Oh yes, that time of year I hate. That many hate. When our alone-ness is highlighted, underlined strongly and circled in thick, red marker.

Each year my dislike has increased, peaking right now.

It was great when I was little – full of fun, food and family like it ought to be. But now.

I am honestly in a bad way haha I just have to endure. See it through.

Ruminations

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment so today will definitely not be about cohesion. I’ll just rattle off some things that are currently on my mind. In no particular order…

1. I’m in bed. It’s 1.45pm. I have spent a lot of time in bed lately. I probably should be actively trying to stay out of bed now that I’ve noticed it’s a thing. But what is the point? I’ll just be doing the same thing, only sitting on a couch. I like being in my room, everything shut out, protected.
2. I’m back at the gym! Pretty much daily exercise, and I can notice a difference to my mind and body. I’m proud for sticking with it. But, and this is the fucked bit, my mind keeps crashing. I’m like, ‘brain, I’m doing good things here, why won’t you play nice’?!
3. I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole. Evidence to support this includes: no enjoyment from things I used to, my mind going dark and the moods swinging each day, the melancholy and the disengagement and disillusionment. I mean, I’ve always been negative but now I’m even annoying myself with my bleakness. I’m seeing my GP tomorrow, I guess to ‘make a plan’ to get through the next couple of months.
4. The next couple of months are going to be hard – christmas and being alone, deaths, no work, no income are all combining to set off the biggest meltdown my head has seen haha
5. I’m lonely. I hate fucking admitting it. And I can’t say it to anyone. I can barely admit it to myself.
6. I’m constantly disappointed. I want what I can’t have.
7. I’m unfulfilled. I think I actually miss intelligent conversation and stuff. I’ve pushed my friends away. I simply cannot deal with their talking about kids, husbands, holidays they are planning. I am broke, bored and jealous. I feel horrible resenting people, but how do I stop it? I need to get new friends I think.
8. So, ya know, all this is building up in my brainbox and I’m trying to tamp it down and put a lock on it, but, ya know haha
9. AND finally, I’m not even sure anything is worth this anxiety and feeling horrible. What is the point? I’m losing my grip on the point.

Vestige

My poor blog; I’ve neglected you. But you’ve never been far from my thoughts. I’m often stringing words together in my mind, coming up with bigger and better synonyms, hearing beautiful words I want to remember and use in the future.

And I remembered my password! Good times!

Why are some people so bad for your mental health? I’m talking about the ones that don’t even realize or recognize that they capture your attention and make you crave them. And you didn’t tell them, so essentially it’s all YOUR OWN MISERABLE EXPERIENCE 😂 They’re fault free but I still want/need to lay blame at their feet.

And I know. I know what I need to do, but like all good addictions, I simply can’t. I am weak and I acquiesce and I come back for more.

Tbc

self

My self confidence is so low. It always has been.

And as such, I cling to any small attentions I might get.

It’s really quite embarrassing what I will put up with and then look for more.

Which, in turn, leads my self confidence to plummet further.

 

Hurt

To think you’re special. You’re someone’s one. And then realise that, of course, it’s all an untruth.

It fucking hurts.

And I try not to let myself let people in because it always fails in the most dramatic way and when will I fucking learn?

I’m not sure if I hate people or myself more right now.

I miss my numbness.

Today

Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.

Blah.

I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking  my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.

ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!

🙂

I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.

I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m really trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loser

I am feeling like one. A big fat loser!

I do not want to adult today.

I do not want to interact with IRL friends, but rather internet friends. I feel they care more about me and support me than the IRL friends, to be perfectly blunt.

Funny, huh?

ps: Isnt the artwork above beautiful?? Its by Glenda Stevens.

The Christmas Edition

Well, it has been a long time between drinks.

I think the blog only comes to pass when I have too much crap in my head and nowhere else for it to go. I have been feeling okay lately I guess (I think what I have been feeling is called ‘okay’ – small bouts of good even!)

But the lead-up to Christmas has brought me right back down – expressly, the people I don’t have. Since seeing tat bloody psychiatrist, my awareness of people I don’t have has only grown. Ugh, Im not even ready to blog about this today.

New topic!

I’ve finally found about my first ever hobby – sewing! It’s quite amusing to me as Mum liked to sew and knit and every other arty/crafty thing and I would never have a bar of it. I’ve started making sensory fidget toys in the form of fiddle bags – Spot This! Sensory Fiddle Bags. I’m selling at markets, which I don’t love and is a real struggle some days to actually interact with people and sell stuff, as well as online. I’m getting quite good feedback from customers on them, which has helped to build my confidence in the, But still, fuck its hard to accept a compliment.

I need some new products too now, so Im planning on perfecting a couple of new things over the holidays, ready for the first markets of 2017.

Um what else? Circling back to people I don’t have, the bff is missing in action as he’s too damn obsessed with the new boyfriend and it has finally shattered with another so-called ‘friend’. Im done with her passive-aggressive game playing and juvenile behaviour *wipes hands*. My small circle has lost 2 and seems extra small.

That’s all for now. I’m sick of talking about the feels and stuff.

Thoughts

I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.

I’ve been driving and analysing.

I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.

I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?

I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.

Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?

Ugh. I don’t know. I have questions, no answers.

 

Vicious Circles

I always seem to find myself swallowed up by and stuck in vicious circles.

Patterns of bad behaviour that are spurned on by other bad behaviours and in turn, create more bad behaviours.

I think it is positive that I can recognise this, but it is always so damn hard to break these patterns and stop the cycle!

My ‘old faithful’ vicious circle, which Im sure many people can empathise with, is that of how well/bad I take care of myself and my self confidence. It is always with me, just at varying degrees of severity.

Presently, my diet is dreadful, I am not exercising and have subsequently hidden myself away, not wanting to go out and have people see me. Because I eat shit, I feel shit, have no motivation for exercise or socialising and so of course, I go and eat more shit. Vicious circle.

I am currently attempting to break this cycle and after a few days of positive changes, I am already feeling better. I am eating more veggies, less sugar and am preparing for the gym. Haha Im starting slowly. I know how great I felt last year when I was exercising regularly and had a decent diet. I need to get back to that.

It is all about playing mind games with myself. If someone tells me to do something, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. Im stubborn. I have to find ways to trick myself into doing things that are good for me. Im great at talking myself into negative things and out of positive things. I need to do something about that. Im a glass half empty person, clearly.