My poor blog; I’ve neglected you. But you’ve never been far from my thoughts. I’m often stringing words together in my mind, coming up with bigger and better synonyms, hearing beautiful words I want to remember and use in the future.
And I remembered my password! Good times!
Why are some people so bad for your mental health? I’m talking about the ones that don’t even realize or recognize that they capture your attention and make you crave them. And you didn’t tell them, so essentially it’s all YOUR OWN MISERABLE EXPERIENCE 😂 They’re fault free but I still want/need to lay blame at their feet.
And I know. I know what I need to do, but like all good addictions, I simply can’t. I am weak and I acquiesce and I come back for more.
Today has had a rough start. It’s the first day of school, which always gets me, and which I had forgotten always gets me! I guess I still identify as a teacher (well, I am, aren’t I?) and the first day back proves I am still in limbo – I’m not in a classroom setting up my year, being a productive member of society, but sitting home feeling useless and nothing and with no direction or money or point.
I have done the old loud music trick – Jebediah at the moment. Good memories from these songs, of better times. And keeping busy – shopping, restocking my pills, making bone broth, setting myself up with proper food, washing, tidying.
ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, EH EXPERTS!?!?!?!
I messaged my friend who goes through similar things and he’s such a sweetheart, he knows. Things I can say to him only, but not others. This shit is really only understood by people who have experienced it. These people get it. He’s the only one who sees my true head and heart, and only at a distance unfortunately. He drinks to keep sane. I can’t do that. I would really like to take the old cigarettes back up though.
I think everything is further compounded by me being sick. I’ve had a virus hanging on for a few days now and I’m over it! Grrrrr
I think the blog only comes to pass when I have too much crap in my head and nowhere else for it to go. I have been feeling okay lately I guess (I think what I have been feeling is called ‘okay’ – small bouts of good even!)
But the lead-up to Christmas has brought me right back down – expressly, the people I don’t have. Since seeing tat bloody psychiatrist, my awareness of people I don’t have has only grown. Ugh, Im not even ready to blog about this today.
I’ve finally found about my first ever hobby – sewing! It’s quite amusing to me as Mum liked to sew and knit and every other arty/crafty thing and I would never have a bar of it. I’ve started making sensory fidget toys in the form of fiddle bags – Spot This! Sensory Fiddle Bags. I’m selling at markets, which I don’t love and is a real struggle some days to actually interact with people and sell stuff, as well as online. I’m getting quite good feedback from customers on them, which has helped to build my confidence in the, But still, fuck its hard to accept a compliment.
I need some new products too now, so Im planning on perfecting a couple of new things over the holidays, ready for the first markets of 2017.
Um what else? Circling back to people I don’t have, the bff is missing in action as he’s too damn obsessed with the new boyfriend and it has finally shattered with another so-called ‘friend’. Im done with her passive-aggressive game playing and juvenile behaviour *wipes hands*. My small circle has lost 2 and seems extra small.
That’s all for now. I’m sick of talking about the feels and stuff.
I’m not feeing it today. I just want to hole up inside. But I can’t. Must adult.
I’ve been driving and analysing.
I’ve come up with 3 things – I think I am probably lonely, I think I am lazy and I think I am comparing myself too much to others’ and these things are all combining to make me feel how I am.
I don’t necessarily feel lonely, but I do not have a significant other, family or many friends – and aren’t we told it is human to want/have/need company? Perhaps this thought is just an example of me comparing myself to others…?
I am lazy. I do not want to put in the hard yards to make myself feel better. I want to stay home, alone, with my cat. I know exercise and healthy eating usually benefits and negates this negative affect, but I cannot be bothered doing any of that. I just want things to be easy. Please.
Everywhere I turn there are people in couples or families or groups of friends and thus, I find myself comparing. I know I shouldn’t. I tell myself I love being a self-sufficient, independent woman, but am I just kidding myself? Hiding/masking the reality, the truth of my feelings?